Maurice, you have been writing at Feelings lately about the war between the sexes, and how to have satisfying relationships. I don't think I really answered all of the issues in your earlier post, so I'd like to give it another try.
This is not a post that anyone who is in an wondrously happy and fulfilling marriage has to read.
For some of us love changes over time, and you may not always feel
the way you do today. Some things we gain only by experience and
perspective, unfortunately. I'm going to preface it with the lyrics to a song by Natalie Merchant, from her album "Tigerlily". Admittedly the meaning of all lyrics is subjective. My interpretation of this is that it is about a relationship where the lovers involved have very differing needs and desires for sex in the relationship. The marriage has degenerated to the point that there is almost begging to get sexual needs met, and being rejected has caused numbness, and colored and damaged and almost destroyed everything. This entire piece of music is incredibly good, incidentally, and I highly recommend it.
I MAY KNOW THE WORD
I may know the word
but not say it
I may know the truth
but not face it.
I may hear a sound
a whisper sacred & profound
but turn my head
indifferent.
I may know the word
but not say it.
I may love the fruit
but not taste it.
I may know the way
to comfort and to soothe
a worried face
but fold my hands
indifferent.
If I'm on my knees
I'm begging now
If I'm on my knees
groping in the dark
I'd be praying for deliverance
from the night into the day.
but it's all grey here
it's all grey to me
I may know the word
but not say it
this may be the time
but I might waste it
this may be the hour
something move me
someone prove me wrong
before night comes
with
indifference
If I'm on my knees
I'm begging now
if I'm on my knees
groping in the dark
I'd be praying for deliverance
from the night into the day
but it's all grey here
but it's all grey to me
I recognize the walls inside
I recognize them all
I've paced between them
chasing demons down
until they fall
in fitful sleep
enough to keep their strength
enough to crawl
into my head
with tangled threads
they riddle me to solve
again & again & again
Where all of this is going is that long relationships can become
agonizingly empty, and I have been looking at other alternatives to
death-til-us part monogamy. It is an ideal state, and sometimes it works, and sometimes it does not. I find myself in midlife
questioning all of my beliefs, and searching for new models.
As you said, Maurice "a man and woman simply hanging out in a house together day after day is no answer." I think that when there are young children involved, monogamy may be an instinctive way of providing stability for nurturing. Men and women are working very hard during these years making money, building secure and stable lives, and running around giving cuddles and hugs and making sure their babies grow up strong and healthy. They have common goals, and the focus is outside of the love relationship.
Once this period of intense childcare has ended, however, the focus returns to the original love relationship. But everyone has changed!!!
Territorial issues--how many papers it is acceptable to leave lying
around, how clean everything needs to be, who makes the major and minor decisions, what kind of food is considered nutritional, and who takes most of the responsibility for household chores--become more and more irritating if there is essential disagreement. Like living with a roommate!!! Fights about money and values and sharing the labor begin eating away at the intimacy which once seemed so exciting and
fulfilling. Sloppy at best--and sometimes really gross--
personal habits, and listening to someone snoring night after night,
become real turnoffs, wearing down desire. One partner's sexual interest may have long ago peaked, and is declining rapidly, while the other is relieved and freed by having the major tasks of rearing young children over and has a hot and vivid reawakening of sexuality. Or maybe it never left but was sublimated, and cannot be any longer. And then there are the feelings that life may be more than half over, and new experiences, including the possibility of romance with someone different, are suddenly right there offering temptations and creating yearnings which are compelling and forbidden at the same time.
Do you leave a marriage with someone you truly love in many ways and may have spent a quarter of a century with, especially if there are still teenagers living at home, to forage for new adventure? Some marriages are truly broken, and ending them may be appropriate. Certainly those involving abuse or cruelty--mental or physical or emotional--fall into that category.
Now we have a sense of being dead inside, and we use thoughts to distract us from the lonely and disappointed feelings that come up, trying to convince our very passionate being that wonderful sex isn't really THAT important. Maybe even distracting ourselves with endless time on the computer!!
This strategy works somewhat until suddenly you find you have somehow
attracted a new person, or are attracted to one, and this draws your energy from your homelife and suddenly there is a huge mess, a house of pain for all involved.
I am beginning to believe that the hope we have that one person will satisfy all our longings for a lifetime is flawed, and I think there are quite a few new ways of looking at this problem. I guess it would be helpful to realize here that monogamy never works very well. About 60% of American males, and over 40% of females, stray at some point from fidelity. |
