A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN ...
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the
Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and
territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire
may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'
'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix
'ize' will be replaced by the suffix 'ise.'
Generally, you will be
expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look
up 'vocabulary').
2.
Using the same twentyseven
words interspersed with filler
noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as
U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The
Microsoft spellchecker
will be adjusted to take into account
the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of 'ize.'
3.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using
guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many
lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to
be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting
grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot
grouse.
5.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a
permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler
in public.
6.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the
same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and
without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour.
7.
The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you
have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get
used to it.
8.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on
calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are
thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but
with vinegar.
9.
The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and
accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South
African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound
the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to
the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth see
what it did for them. American brands will be referred to
as NearFrozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without
risk of further confusion.
10.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast
English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie
Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a
Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.
11.
You will cease playing American football. There is only
one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which
has some similarities to American football, but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing
full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12.
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host an event called the World Series for a game which is
not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are
aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face
the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13..
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15.
Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper
cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits
(cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in
season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of
humour (NOT humor)! |
