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Subject: Microsoft to buy U.S. Government
The "announcement" below is making its way through the Internet. It is being reproduced here without permission for your viewing pleasure.
>> > > Date: Monday, October 27, 1997 4:06 PM
>> > >
>> > > REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 27, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations
>> > made
>> > > by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today
>> > that
>> > > it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of
>> > > America for an undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension
>> > of
>> > > our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really
>> > is
>> > > going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".
>> > >
>> > > Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the
>> > > White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of
>> > the
>> > > press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be
>> > managed
>> > > as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering
>> > is
>> > > planned for July of next year, and the federal government is
>> > expected to
>> > > be profitable by "Q4-1999, at latest", according to Microsoft
>> > President
>> > > Steve Ballmer.
>> > >
>> > > In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had
>> > "willingly
>> > > and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a Vice-President with
>> > > Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States Government,
>> > > reporting directly to Bill Gates.
>> > >
>> > > When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority
>> > to
>> > Gates,
>> > > Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say
>> > that
>> > Gates
>> > > has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer
>> > Gates
>> > their
>> > > "full support and confidence".
>> > >
>> > > Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000
>> > annually
>> > > he has earned as U.S. President, in his new role at Microsoft.
>> > >
>> > > Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. capital be moved to
>> > Redmond
>> > > as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions
>> > for
>> > > the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft
>> > headquarters.
>> > >
>> > > Gates went on to say that the House and Senate
>> > > would "of course" be abolished.
>> > >
>> > > "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed,
>> > > "and look how well we're doing".
>> > >
>> > > When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was
>> > proceeding,
>> > > Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place".
>> > >
>> > > Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that
>> > > United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases
>> > > in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.
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