friday's funnies...
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly. "Now take off my socks." He did. "Now take off my skirt." He did. "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"
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Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra:
10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"
9. "Here's the beef!"
8. "Get a piece of the rock"
7. "You've come a long way, baby"
6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"
5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
4. "Tastes great, more filling"
3. "Viagra, built ram tough"
2. "Just do her"
and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra: "This is your johnson. This is your johnson on Viagra. Any questions?"
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A Kansas farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc...After several weeks , he notices that none of the pigs is getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how will how know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lie down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs. So he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all and goes back to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at he pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still standing around. One more try ,he tells himself and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls
listlessly into bed. The next morning , he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are lying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." - Isaac Asimov
"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens." - Jimi Hendrix
My son had just turned 15 when I finally decided to talk to him about sex. To ensure private time, I brought him on a ski trip and began our
talk on the chair lift so he couldn't escape. "Do you know about girls and babies?" I asked. He nodded but cut me off. The next ride up the ski lift, I brought it up again, only to have him look away in silence.
On the third trip, already knowing I had waited too long, I bluntly asked, "Son, would you like to talk about sex?" "Gee, Dad," he responded, "is that all you ever think about?"
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I was at a bar, I asked a girl to dance, and every time I twirled her
around, she got two inches taller. I said, "What's going on?" She said, "You're unscrewing my wooden leg."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence?
2. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
3. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
4. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
5. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
and finally...
6. Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE! Under
the boat, still strapped securely in place...was the trailer.
have a great weekend...
good fortune...
pops |
