Parenthood Readiness Test
1. Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for nine months. After nine
months, remove 10 percent of the beans.
Men: To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the
contents of your wallet onto the counter, and tell the pharmacist to
help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary
paid directly to their head office.
Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack
of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed
their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve
their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and
overall behavior. Enjoy it; it's the last time in your life that you
will have all of the answers.
3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5
pm until 10 pm, carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds.
At 10 pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
Get up at 12 am and walk around the living room again, with the bag,
until 1 am. Put the alarm on for 3 am. As you can't go back
to sleep, get up at 2 am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get
up again at 3 am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark till 4
am. Put the alarm on for 5 am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up
for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut
butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick
behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in
the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with
crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: First buy an
octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string
bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all
morning.
6. Get an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn
it into an alligator. Now get a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch
tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a
milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs and
make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have
just qualified for a place on the play group committee.
7. Forget the Miata and buy the mini van. And don't think you can leave
it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like
that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a
family size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run
a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out
the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk
down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again. Walk
very slowly down the road for five minutes. Stop to
inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty
tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that
you've had as much as you can stand until all the neighbors come out and
stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about
ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
can find to a pre-school child. A fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your
week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily
accomplish this, DO NOT even contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it
from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy
Fruit Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by
pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Fruit Loops are
gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on
the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old child.
12. Learn the names of every character from 'Barney and Friends',
'Sesame Street', and 'Power Rangers'. When you find yourself singing,
"I love you, you love me" at work, you finally qualify as a parent. |
