Another winning deposit:
DEEP THOUGHTS (by Jack Handey) >>If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go,>because, man, they're gone.>========== >If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them>down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.">========== >To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when>you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a >hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks.">========== >One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going>to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old>burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."> >He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a>pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland,>but it was getting pretty late.>==========>The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the>face.>==========>If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet>the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot>farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.">==========>Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo,>flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a>beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful>painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.>==========>I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our>children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.>==========>If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him>is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute>thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did.">==========>If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror,>because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.>==========>Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first>instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she>fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.>========== >To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography >and the dancers hit each other.>==========>I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they>don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with>some good ideas.>==========>If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons>(maybe by shoving them down his throat).>==========>Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them>"impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't>we all be brothers? >==========>Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of>striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.>========== >I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out>that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because>I was thinking about doing that anyway.>==========>I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver.>And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick>and hand it to him.>==========>Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word>itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words>"mank" and "ind.">>What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.>==========>If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying>forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.>==========>It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I>guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there,>rocking back and forth, wanting that money.>==========>If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet>it makes beer shoot out your nose.>==========>To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered>where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus>and a clown killed my dad. >==========>As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again,>I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of>honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.>==========>I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And>I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.>========== >I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in>my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but>it's just eggs hatching.>==========>Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in>the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.>==========>What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing>and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get>drunk?>>And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and>stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to>sleep.>==========>Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out>it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like>a regular window.>==========>During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not>putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner.">========== >If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like>I am now.>==========>When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the>police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started>wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. >==========>I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle>all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat>I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy >whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off>the paint.>==========>Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know>anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any>extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take >that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy. >==========>Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,>even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is >you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.>==========>If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet>it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading>a magazine. >==========>If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think>it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to >teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting >the vulture.>==========>Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?>==========>If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while>you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it>on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell>you.>==========>One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run>with a wooden stake.>==========>If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a>good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's>not. >==========>Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon.>But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your>little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that." >==========>Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here,>looking through your stuff.>==========>For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a>slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?>==========>I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a>fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground,>and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.>==========>If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a>peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and>then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!">==========>Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself.>For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally>you would think that "fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful>swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again.>Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people>might actually think that. >==========>Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing>each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.>==========>I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me>a lot of money.">==========>I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,>Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.>==========>I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby>duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming>underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join>them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar>like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is >good for parties.>==========>If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's>a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen.">==========>The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the>watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw>skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole>is reserved for skeletons."> |
