Here's one for you SusieQ.
Deep thoughts....
1) Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your
groin unprotected.
2) I'm not into working out. My philosophy:
No pain, no pain.
3) I am in shape. Round's a shape...
4) I'm desperately trying to figure out why
kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5) Ever wonder if illiterate people get the
full effect of alphabet soup?
6) I always wanted to be somebody, but I
should have been more specific.
7) Did you ever notice when you blow in a
dog's face he gets mad at you? But when
you take him in a car he sticks his head
out the window.
8) Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower
than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster
than you is a maniac.
9) You have to stay in shape. My grandmother
started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 today and we have no idea where she is.
10) I have six locks on my door all in a row.
When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no
matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three.
11) The statistics on sanity are that one out of every
four Americans is suffering from some form of mental
illness. Think of your three best friends. If they
are okay, then it's you.
12) Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains,
a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a
T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry
isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid
of the body before you do the wash.
13) I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls.
They always say because it's such a beautiful animal.
There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I
only have photographs of her on the wall.
14) A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my
suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that
jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone,
"I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have
to kill you too."
15) Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford
Library, the James Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan
Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Here's one for later.
An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked,
waiting for her husband.
The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?" The
daughter responds, "This is the dress of love."
When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her
husband.
When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doing naked?"
She responds, "This is the dress of love."
"Well," he says to her, "go iron it." |
