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June 23, 1999
Einstein's Isn't the Only Unusual Brain Out There
By Joe Queenan
Last week, the British medical journal Lancet reported that Albert Einstein's
brain had physical characteristics that made it very different from the brains of
ordinary people, and even other extraordinary people. According to scientists
at McMaster University in Ontario, Canada, the section of Einstein's brain that
was connected with mathematical reasoning -- the inferior parietal region --
was 15% wider on each side than the normal brain was.
What's more, the groove that cuts straight through the
center of the normal brain did not extend all the way
back in Einstein's case. Sandra Witelson, the
neuroscientist who headed the study, says that the
absence of this sliver may have allowed more neurons to flourish in this area,
thus making Einstein's brain more active and productive.
Witelson's argument is given further credence by a related study that appears
in the Summer 1999 issue of The Journal of Diversified Anomalies. In this
case, neuroscientists at the University of Labecede in southern France
examined the brains of 35 recently deceased Internet day traders and found
that the section of the brain that is concerned with logic and reasoning was 75
percent smaller than the normal brain's, and that the fissure that should run
from the front of the brain to the back was three times as deep as normal.
"The fissure that runs down the middle of the brain separates the cerebella
sinestria -- the area of the organ that would deal with revenues -- from the
cerebella destra, the part of the brain that deals with earnings," explains
Jean-Francois Danquin, author of the study. "Because the groove is so deep,
neurons cannot operate in this area, and cannot transmit the information that a
company has no earnings to the part that already understands that a company
has no sales. This alone may account for such mysteries as the stock prices of
eBay and Amazon.Com."
The French study was not limited to day traders. All told, over a ten-year
period, the scientists examined the brains of 2,500 people who had worked
most of their careers in the financial services industry. These included mutual
fund, pension fund and hedge fund managers, as well as analysts, bond traders
and stockbrokers. Though the brains of the stockbrokers were obviously
much smaller than those of the fund managers, there were no profound
structural differences between the various individuals actively involved in
trading stocks or bonds.
Conversely, the brains of the analysts were found to contain more than a
dozen tiny ridges, which don't allow information from one area to reach the
next area. These ridges greatly resemble the Great Wall of China. They also
are known to prevent individuals from conceiving or articulating certain words
-- such as "sell."
"We now believe that the decision to choose a career as an analyst may be
influenced by the presence of these interlocking cerebral tumuli, which prevent
an individual from processing information that comes from any non-adjacent
section of the brain," says Danquin. "This explains why analysts regularly rate a
stock a 'buy' or a 'hold' just before the company goes into Chapter 11. They
literally can't get from two plus two to four."
It is deeply ironic that the study of Einstein's brain should have taken place in
Canada, because one group of brains currently being examined at the
University of Labecede are those of recently deceased mutual fund managers
who bought stock in Bre-X, the high-flying Canadian mining outfit that turned
into one of the biggest fiascos in the history of North American finance.
"In each case we found a yawning chasm at the base of the pineal node,"
explains Danquin. "We now believe that the neurons needed to make
sophisticated calculations literally tumbled off the surface of the brain and
dropped into this chasm, and that's why these otherwise gifted money
managers made such an absurd investing decision."
These fascinating studies should only provide more impetus for ambitious
researchers to gain access to the brains of individuals who worked in the
financial or political arenas when they were alive.
For example, an Indianapolis medical school has already approached former
vice president Dan Quayle about having a look at his brain once he has gone
on to meet his maker. Similar requests have been made of such diverse figures
as Terry Bradshaw, Ed McMahon and Kathy Lee Gifford.
Scientists are also interested in studying the brains of people who seem to
have obsessive personalities. "We now believe that approximately 78% of
Larry Ellison's brain mass is devoted to negative thoughts about Bill Gates,"
says Danquin. "This is only eight percent less than the amount of Bill Gates's
cranial surface that apparently is used to think about how much smarter he is
than everybody else. In the fullness of time, we'd like to have a look inside
these men's skulls to see if there are any structural anomalies that would
explain such obsessive behavior."
For the time being, Danquin and his team of researchers will have to content
themselves with more prosaic subjects, such as carving up the brains of
deceased Business Week columnists.
"Einstein had that extra width on each side and he also had that deep fissure
running part of the way down his brain," says Danquin. "This helps explain why
he was such a genius. Frankly, we're not finding any deep fissures in these
Business Week guys. But we'll keep digging. Something may turn up."
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