C NELSON REILLY COMMITTED TO ASYLUM FOR CRIMINALLY CONFUSED
(AP Newswire) Tulsa, OK: Rogue trader/speculator/investor C Nelson Reilly was forcibly removed from the dilapidated downtown offices of the Charles Schwab investment company today in what local police officials characterize as "a hostile reaction to a few good trades gone bad".
Authorities responded to a frantic emergency call from a cretinous margin clerk at the online brokerage behemoth. Officer Dicky Johnson, no pun intended, described the malicious mayhem at the scene:
"It was terrible! Oh My God, the humanity! I witnessed an obviously confused, mean spirited and highly agitated customer randomly whacking Pentium II computer terminals with a Ping Eye 2 five wood! He was dressed in stylishly suspicious scarlet Stewart-like pantaloons and some sort of garish polyester tablecloth pattern wussy zoot suit blazer with wide lapels trimmed in a crazily clashing color. He looked like he would fit right in on the floor of the CBOE; as a matter of fact he was making all sorts of frantic sign language signals and screaming things like "SIX THREE OH FIVE" and "HELP ME, WANDA". The alleged suspect was babbling incoherently, reeked of Zinfandel, and was swinging his club with an extreme inside to outside motion which would have caused him to slice like O.J. had he been on an actual golf course."
Mr. C Nelson was eventually taken down with an 50 caliber P/E elephant trank dart supplied to the SWAT team by the formerly famous host of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom Marlon Perkins.
Peter Willy, Director of the Deranged Derelict Detainment Department of the Oklahoma Bureau of Bible Belt Brethren, had no comment.
Rampant rumors place Mr. Nelson as a major player in the battle between Greenspan, Dorfman, the average overtaxed, misunderstood and maligned American investor, and the likes of Steve Case, David Tice, and Lambchop (the puppet).
Yours in suspension of disbelief,
C Nelson |
