*OT* Skeeter, I can't find it. Unfortunately my hard drive is a lot like my apartment, but without the roaches. I did come across some really old stuff in a Word file marked "rantings2" that are...I don't know what they are...I think it's stuff I wrote on SI but never posted, because even I thought it was way too out there. This one did sort of amuse me:
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Pillory Squadron Targets Kurlak!
Secret Location, December 23, 1998 - Vowing to avenge the wrongs committed against Intel, its investors and basic sense, the Pillory Squadron has targeted Merrill Lynch semi-conductor analyst Thomas P. Kurlak. In the short manifesto, released cleverly in coded semiphor by a NYC traffic cop, the group vowed to strike swiftly and without warning.
In a departure from their usual modus operandi, the Pillory Squadron expects to transport Tom Kurlak in a pillory through the streets of lower Manhattan in the Pillory Portable. Orginally conceived as an assault vehicle with land, sea and air capabilities hosting multiple weapons platforms, sources report design and cost overruns have left the current design stuck in the "used Toyota pick-up with a large transparent bubble in the rear cargo-bay area" stage.
Upon hearing of the news, New York City Mayor Rudolph Guliani has cleared the way for a large parade once Kurlak is pilloried, making the full powers of the NYC police department and Rodent Control Squad available to the Pillory Squadron.
"We've never failed on a mission yet,” said Subcommandate Diogenes Jr.
Added Babe Leader "Look at our asses. They're perfect. Ha!"
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I must've written that when he pulled the INTC upgrade.
It's kinda amusing because, well, he's gone.
Since I'm wasting bandwidth, what the hell, here's another one:
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WEILL INITIATES STAGE-DIVING RITUAL TO FLOOR OF NYSE
Announces New Mandatory Body-Piercing for All Citigroup Employees from Mosh Pit
New York, Dec. 4 - Travellers Chairman Sandy Weill fulfilled a long-held dream of NYSE officials this morning after ringing the opening bell and diving off the dais into the crowd of traders below. The executive then body-surfed the hordes of cherring traders for several minutes before pronouncing a new mandatory body-piercing policy for all Citigroup employees in a mosh-pit by the CCI post.
NYSE Chairman Richard Grasso said the new ritual brings to fruition long-held hopes that the trading session should start in this fashion.
"We've made the suggestion to everyone who's rang that bell for the last 3 years," he said. "Sandy's the first to do it. What can you say, the guy's a mensch"
"The Spice Girls suck!", shouted Weill, who said he's lately been listening to "a lot of old Mudhoney."
Weill said his interest in grunge came by way of his close freindship with Foo Fighters front-man and ex-Nirvana drummar Dave Grohl.
"He's practically a godson to me," he said. "I took the Cobain thing pretty hard myself. Wept for days. But the Foo Fighters are a terrific. That video spoofing the Mentos thing - I wet my pants everytime I see it. Honest to God."
"We're really rockin' and rollin' down here," said CNBC doyenne Maria Bartiromo, adding "What a gas. Maybe they'll even play some Tiffany!"
A NASDAQ official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, questioned the move.
"While I applaud the spirit, you really have to question the judgement," he said. "Grunge, moshing - bah. It's over."
By way of competititve response, the NASDAQ is reported to be working on a 24-hour global financial rave to be located in an empty warehouse in the meat-packing district.
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Just one more.
I have no idea what's happening with this one...sort of <g>
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Dear CNBC Director of Human Resources:
I am writing in the hopes of replacing Bob Pisani as the network's correspondent at the NYSE.
I am a 3 lb. jar of mustard with plastic nozzle dispenser. For the last year and a half I have been situated on the concourse level of the First Union Center. In this capacity I have perfected the art of dispatching my contents when pressed and bringing smiles to the hungry masses. This ability to serve as a functioning, pleasing tool greatly fits the desired position.
In addition, unlike your present correspondent, I'm tangy, colorful and taste great on soft pretzels.
I enclose a small 3 oz. sample-size packet for your review and will be available for an interview at the Flyers next home game.
Thank you in advance for your kind consideration in this matter.
Sincerely,
Stadium Jar of Mustard
sjom/SJOM
enclosure
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I guess now you can see why I never posted them.
Good trading,
Tom
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