An alpha gorilla escaped from San Diego Zoo yesterday during a huge storm that stretched from Silicon Valley, California across the nation all the way to Manhattan. Tornadoes were spotted in southern portions of the state. Police said the gorilla had undergone enormous growth in the last few months, was beating some smaller mammals that is used to play with, was destroying the foliage, and needed wider pastures to roam. It was even leading other large primates on a rampage, as they seemed to follow his lead.
His trainer, Dr. Fourier, boasted that the animal was very intelligent and would easily adapt in his new larger environment. It knows how to use rakes, saws, and other tools to plant vegetables and money trees spread across a spectrum of land types. The doctor claimed the escaped animal simply got tired of nesting beside some obnoxious smaller gorillas, much older, who had come from Europe in past years. Lately, it had showing his teeth and exhibited aggressive behavior on a frequent basis.
The press seemed for the last two years to be totally pre-occupied with the older gorillas, ever since their arrival, feeding them and speaking to them by name. It is not known whether such attention had upset the escaped alpha gorilla.
In tracking the large beast, police hired an anthropologist, who was amazed to notice that the creature left an unusual footprint. Clearly visible in the soft mud was a footprint whose thumb enabled a signature resembling a "Q".
press release from "Jackass Journal" out of California, 7/21/99
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