I'm very far behind, but I see there's a serious conversation going on. So I apologize for interjecting with some (mostly) funny jokes that just came in email. (The first is my favorite. Well, it would be, of course.):
The annual "Just For Laughs" festival just ended in Montreal, and the Montreal Gazette Newspaper printed on Sunday the top jokes from the various shows.
1. (On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." Rich Jeni
2. "I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion...what was that conclusion, anyway?" Rich Jeni
3. (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars. Jeff Green
4. "Women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal. Take them to a posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger. Jeff Green
5. "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers. so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"John Wing
6. "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" Francois Morency
7. "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. = Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the = computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" Rich Jeni
8. "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." Tim Steeves
9. "I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know." Franck Dubosc
10. "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. Jimmy Shubert
11. "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane : Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do. Rich Jeni
12. "I was born in Nicaragua and I felt there wasn't enough political instability in my life. So I moved to Quebec." Marta Chaves
13. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." Gary Valentine
14. "To make a long story short, Rhett and Scarlett split up in the end." Flacco
15. (On American broadcasters' decision to make the puck in NHL hockey broadcasts glow) "Apparently the black puck on the white ice wasn't contrast enough. That's funny, because Americans don't usually have trouble distinguishing black from white." Tim Steeves
16. "My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said : 'Well, whose fault is that?' "Emo Philips
17. (On the 1-800 hotline number on a jar of pickles) "Who the hell's got pickle questions?" Tim Steeves
18. (On the necessity of having a 24-hour pickle hotline) "You got brine problems that can't wait until morning?" Tim Steeves
19. "Id like to help the homeless, but they're never home." Lenny Clarke
20. "My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." Emo Philips
21. "What's with squeegee kids? I mean, they don't really wash the windshield, do they? They simply redistribute the dirt." Ken Scott
22. "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets (oral sex) no matter how bad it is." Lenny Clarke
23. "I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house have wheels." Carlos Mencia
24. "They had things on the Brady Bunch that I never saw in my house. Breakfast, for example." Rich Jeni
25. "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." Emo Philips
26. "The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've dated is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet him." Rich Jeni
27. "Montreal's not a city. It's a Disney World for alcoholics." Mike Wilmot
28. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,'Thyroid problem?'" Emo Philips
29. "I carry Montreal with me wherever I go. I have chunk of poutine in my arteries." Marta Chaves
30. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." Rich Jeni
31. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." |
