It's Harold's first day in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running
out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot
tapping on the porch. He
turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe,
bends over, kisses her on the privates, runs back down the walk and hops in the car.
They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver, can't stand it. Burnett asks, "Harold,
it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?"
Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning."
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A blonde from Arkansas is going on her first overseas trip.
She drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport. In the passport office, the government
official sees that she is visibly puzzled filling her passport application.
The passport official looks over her shoulder, and sees the blonde trying to write 'twice a week' into
the small space labeled 'SEX.'
The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or
'Female.'"
"Doesn't matter," the blonde answers.
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A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too
large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want
anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she
immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my
operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went
through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation,
and she had the operation done herself."
"Who is the third rose from?" she asked
"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for
his new ears!"
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When an Indian shaman succeeded in driving an evil spirit out of a beautiful maiden of the tribe, she
exclaimed, "Thank you very much!" and proceeded to hug the medicine man.
The latter's squaw was, however, angered by the maiden's touching gesture of gratitude, and told the
maiden in no uncertain terms not to squeeze the Shaman!
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Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
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A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood
at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.
As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and
said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!"
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A guy walked into the doctor's surgery for an appointment.
"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked.
"I'll need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large
and almost constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I
can squeeze you in."
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One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to
understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with
little Johnny.
Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.
Johnny's face grew serious as he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just
ripped your balls off!"
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The couple had split-up a few months ago, but still remained good friends, which worked out pretty
good, since they lived in the same apartment building.
The man slipped on the ice and broke his arm. He met his ex-girlfriend in the elevator, and she asked if
there was anything she could do to help.
He said, "Well, actually, you can. If it's not too much trouble, could you help me take a bath?"
She readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual erection begin to appear.
"Now, isn't that sweet," she cooed,
"Look Henry, it still recognizes me!"
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This lady's little schnauzer dog has the world's bushiest eyebrows, so he's constantly bumping
nto fire plugs, trees, beer trucks, you name it. She takes him into the vet to get the hair trimmed out
of his eyes so he can see where he's going. The vet tells her that trimming a dog's eyebrows isn't a
job for a doctor of veterinary medicine; she should do it herself, take the schnauzer to a dog trimmer,
or perhaps use hair remover to do a more permanent job.
So, she goes into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for some hair remover. He says, "This is
our best depilatory. Use it full strength on legs and half strength on underarms."
She says, "But it's for my schnauzer."
"Then use it quarter-strength and don't ride a bicycle for two weeks."
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A teenager goes into a drug store and he says to the clerk,
"I want to buy some condoms. How much?" The clerk responds
"I have these here... three for a dollar" Teenager:
"Perfect. I'll buy three"
Clerk: "That will be one doller and three cents"
Teenager: "What's the three cents for?"
Clerk: "For the tax"
Teenager: "No, no, I want the ones that stay on by themselves..."
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A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs
is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all; and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me
what lethal product I'm referring to?
You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake?"
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A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped
in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright,
resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
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Duke University Medical Center is reporting an unusual occurrence in the Obstetrics department:
A child was born with both male and female organs......A penis and a brain. |
