Next time you think you have had a bad day at work,
think about this guy... Brian is a commercial
saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and
performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an email he sent to his sister. Anytime you
think you have had a bad day at the office, remember
this letter....True story.
April 1998
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can
tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you
with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my
office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to
the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the
water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is
this:
We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This
$20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea.
It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it
down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped
to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan,
and I've used it several times with no complaints. What
I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I
take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck.
This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like
working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass
started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This
only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass
started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back,
but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had
happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a
jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even
worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast.
Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair
on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my
back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I
scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually
grinding the jellyfish into my ass.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the
communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the
fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing
hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I
was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water
decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could
come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression. I
got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on
board the medic, with tears of laughter running down
his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to
shove it "up my ass" when I get in the chamber. The
cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two
days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found
out that this could easily have been prevented if the
suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the
ship.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office,
think of me. Think about how much worse your day would
be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope
you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I
hope this will make more tolerable. Take care, and I
hope to hear from you soon.
Love, Brian
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