JUST DESSERT
A COLUMN BY DALE MCFEATTERS,
SCRIPPS HOWARD NEWS SERVICE
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton. Welcome to EZBreeZee Mortgages. I'm Alan
Greenspan. No, no relation sorry to say. May I call you Bill and Hillary?
Fine, first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton and Bill it is.
So you want to buy the old Rye Brook place, four-something acres as I
recall. That's 2.2 million, and with the customary 20 percent down--that's
$440,000--leaving a mortgage of $1,760,000. No problem. We do those kinds of
deals all the time. Now let's have a look at your financial statements.
Let's see, Mr. Clinton, you are the president of the United States, of
course, and you salary is--oh, dear--$200,000 a year. We recommend buying a
house that costs no more than two and a half times your annual salary. That
means you should be looking for something around $500,000, perhaps a nice
brick rancher on a quarter of an acre, not too fancy a neighborhood?
And I see here that you'll be out of a job in 16 months or so. What will you
do then? Open a library. In Little Rock. Arkansas. Wow. I bet that will be
some kind of moneymaker.
Mrs. Clinton, you're running for Senate, right? Senators are paid $130,000 a
year--assuming, of course, she's elected--so even with your pension you're
still looking at a house in the $825,000 range. Maybe a nice center hall
colonial where the schools aren't so good.
Mrs. Clinton, you haven't worked outside the house since 1991, correct? But
you did some volunteer work, I see. You came up with a plan to overhaul the
entire national health care system? I see. It flopped, in other words.
But I see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas. How about this
Whitewater Development Corp.? It went bankrupt. And Madison Guaranty?
Bankrupt. And Castle Grande? Bankrupt, too. If you had gone to Yale business
school instead of Yale law, you could probably get your money back Don't get
upset. It was just a little joke.
A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. Three of your business partners
went to jail. Maybe you could get your money back.
This is an embarrassing, I know, but we have to ask because it does, after
all, affect your ability to pay: Any problems in your marriage? No? Fine.
Let's look at your assets: $1.5 million. Not bad. Yes, yes, Mr. Clinton,
we're not forgetting your Mustang back in Little Rock. But--oh!-those
liabilities. You owe $5.5 million. That means you're $4 million in the hole.
How do you expect to pay that off? You're hoping people will donate to a
special fund? So basically you're relying on the charity of strangers.
You also have some serious expenses. A kid at Stanford had got to be setting
you back $30,000 to $35,000 a year, probably more with the air fares. And
she wants to go to medical school? Ouch!
And Mr. Clinton, there's a little matter of a $90,000 fine for lying in
court. I guess that rules out putting your law degree to work. Say, how do
we know you're not lying on you loan application? Good point. It would look
a lot better if you were lying. Are there any other legal matters we should
know about?
You say you're in the clear, Mr. Clinton, and the first lady is pretty much
in the clear indictment- wise. What does that mean? You don't think--don't
think--she's going to get hit with a perjury or obstruction of justice rap.
But we're not totally sure, right? That means there's a remote
possibility --note that I say "remote"--that you could be trying to pay off
a $1.76 million mortgage while making 12 cents an hour stitching mailbags
for the feds, and he is trying to make a go of a library in Little Rock.
Let's review the situation. One of you is now unemployed and the other one
soon will be. You have these whopping great debts that you're hoping someone
is going to come along and pay. You have a financial history that can only
be described as "checkered", plus a bunch of serious financial demands and
ongoing legal problems. Your tangible assets seem to consist of an old Ford.
So, Congratulations! Welcome to the EZBreeZee family of homeowners! You've
got your mortgage!
Isn't that what happened when you applied for your mortgage? Don't all
mortgage companies operate that way? Maybe you just got the wrong one. |
