To be a Conservative, you must believe...
• that Bill Gates and Phil Knight are really misunderstood puppy dogs.
• that everyone is an in-the-closet Christian, whether they realize it or not.
• that registering guns would never reduce crime in America, even though it's done so in every other industrialized country.
• that the Peace Corps is more evil than the CIA.
• that we should follow Jesus' example by embracing all of society's outcasts; that is, except gays, minorities, and women.
• that the rich are more oppressed here than they are in Europe or Canada.
• that abortion is "murder," but police brutality is "law enforcement."
• that's it's OK to impeach a president for private sexual acts between consenting adults, but it's not OK to impeach one for secretly shipping weapons to our enemies against Congressional mandate, then using the profits to depose a democratically-elected government by slaughtering thousands of innocent civilians.
• that the ACLU is too liberal... and so is the NRA.
• that Clinton is more chauvinist than Strom Thurmond.
• that racism has nothing to do with socio-economics.
• that the two blue-collar parents working 14-hour shifts just to stay above poverty are somehow "lazy."
• that posting the Ten Commandments in school hallways would be more effective than static national standards.
• that when you're white, using cocaine is "a youthful indiscretion." When you're black, it's a minimum of 20 years behind bars.
• that your health should be directly proportional to your income.
• that protecting the environment would cost too many jobs in the essential timber and industrial waste industries.
• that the UN is run by whiny third world dictators, frivolous accountants, former Haight-Ashbury hippies, and U2.
• that we should pardon crooked ex-Presidents, but not reformed non-violent political prisoners or born-again Christians.
• that the Second Amendment is the only one that really matters.
• that tax money is better spent on $10,000 toilet seats than on social programs for the underprivileged.
• that this same money would be even better spent on the School of the Americas.
• that a malfunctioning electric chair known to set convicts on fire is not "cruel and unusual punishment."
• that when Alan Greenspan recommends tax cuts, he's rational. When he recommends debt reduction, he's waffling.
• that our long term goal should be to issue everyone a 9mm Baretta at birth.
• that immigrants have never done any good for us European-Americans.
• that racial profiling is "common sense police work."
• that registering guns is a Constitutional violation, while registering your car or registering to vote isn't.
And above all, you must believe...
• that a Rhodes scholar and Yale Law School graduate is somehow less intelligent than you are.
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