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Pastimes : Jokes
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To: Vanni Resta who wrote ()9/16/1999 10:05:00 AM
From: Karin   of 2733
 
Instructions for giving a cat a pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth
and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
someone to help.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and
rear paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get helper to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
Royal Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get helper to stretch out flat on top of
cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of
drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking
straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass
of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to helper's forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbors shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth
open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back ion hinges. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check record for date of your last tetanus
shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, force
cats mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by
large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water
down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get helper to drive you to the accident and emergency hospital. Sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnant from right eye. Stop at furniture shop on the way home to order
new table.

15. Arrange for RSCPA to find a new home for cat and ring local pet shop
to see if they have any hamsters.
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