DIARY OF A MAD VIAGRA HOUSEWIFE
Day 1--Just celebrated our 25th anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2-Today he told me he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know! I mean, give me a break! He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp !!.
Day 3- This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs you know! Sometimes I need something too! Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears!
Day 4--A miracle has happened!! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem". It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like were on our wedding night. He asked me if this time I would say HIS name at the glorious moment".
Day 5--Oh what a glorious morning!! The sun is shining, the birds are singing. My needs have been fulfilled! Everything is perfect
Day 6--Again?
Day 7--This Viagra thing is going to his head(No pun intended). Yesterday, at Burger King, the kid behind the counter asked him if he wanted a whopper. He told him, "No thanks. I've already got one."
Day 8--I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new "friend" as a weed wacker.
Day 9--Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working anymore. What am I going to do?
Day 10--I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker.
Day 11- I wish he was gay. I 've bought him 20 Liza Minelli albums and the Sweatin' Oldies tape and he keeps coming after me.
Day 12--Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack!! It's like going to bed with a scud missile!!
Day 13--I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing works. I even started dressing like a nun. He says penguins turn him on.
Day 14--I can't take it anymore. I think I'm going to have to kill him. I just worry about one thing--how will they ever get the lid to close on his casket?? |
