THE DIVA'S PRAYER
Armani
Which Art in Hermes
Hallowed be thy Gucci
Thy Cartier watch
Thy Prada bag
on Rodeo
As it is in Tiffany's
Give us this day, our Visa Gold
And forgive us this overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard
Lead us not into JC Penney
And deliver us from Sears
For thine is the Chanel, the Gaultier and the Versace
For Dolce and Gabbana
Amex
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Don't stay at the Marriott. The towels are so thick and fluffy that you can
hardly close your suitcase.
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To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
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An elderly couple was sitting together watching television. During a
commercial, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual
relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence and during the next commercial, the wife
replied, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card
from them this year."
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In 1750, Sir Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of
stairs.
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Unnecessary Inventions
Fingernail Clippers:
That's why we have teeth.
Makeup That is Tattooed on:
You might love that green eyeliner now,
but what about when you're fifty?
Colored Elastics For Braces:
As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.
Inflatable Furniture:
Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it.
Crayons That Smell:
Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.
Juicers:
Carrot-peach-avocado-rhutabaga-pomegranate-yam
juice was not meant to be.
Vibrating Hairbrushes:
Well, they're kind of silly for brushing your hair, but. . .
Colored Contact Lenses:
Oh, yeah, purple is such a natural eye color.
Fake Eyelashes:
You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.
The Epilady:
Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.
Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers:
Kleenex does not get chilly.
Heated and/or Padded Toilet Seats:
Your not supposed to spend the day there.
Comfort should not be a pressing concern.
Get in, do your thing, and get out.
Thong underwear:
Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.
Rubber Clothing:
Because you shouldn't bounce if you fall down the stairs.
Doggie Sweaters:
Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.
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It was Judi's first plane trip. Boarding the aircraft she settled
into a window seat in the non-smoking section. A man came
over and politely said, "Ma'am, you're in my seat." "Go away
and find another seat!" she replied. He said, "Okay, fine, you
fly the plane."
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It's been proven that the *quantity* of consonants in English,
in the United States, remains constant. If one is omitted in one
place, they show up somewhere else. For instance, in Boston,
if one "pahks" his "cah", those lost "R"'s migrate south. They
they cause a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells".
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Q. Where was toothpaste invented?
A. In Arkansas; otherwise, it would have been called "Teethpaste".
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A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he
wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a
little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of
93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35
great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of
the crematorium. |
