CHRIST APPOINTS ASSOCIATE CHRIST
JERUSALEM-- Overwhelmed by a constant deluge of prayers and appeals
for salvation, Jesus Christ announced Monday the hiring of Tacoma, WA, customer-service
supervisor Dean Smoler as Associate Christ.
"I've been in need of an Assistant Savior for a long time now, and
I'm thrilled to finally have one," Christ told reporters at a press conference aired on the Trinity
Broadcasting Network. "Dean is an experienced guy who will really help ease my workload."
With the hiring, effective June 1, Christians seeking spiritual aid
Or guidance will be able to pray to either Jesus or Dean.
"This is an extremely exciting opportunity for me, and I look
forward to hearing your prayers," Smoler said. "To the millions of Christians around the world, I just want
you to know that I am here for you, should you wander down the wrong path. If Jesus happens to be
busy, please feel free to turn to me in your darkest hour."
"You can expect the same great service from me that you've always
gotten from Jesus," Smoler said.
Jesus said He chose Smoler for the Assistant Christ position because
of his considerable experience in dealing with the public. In addition to
his six-year stint as customer-service supervisor with the Tacoma-based Consolidated Coolers,
the nation's third-largest manufacturer of coolers and thermoses, Smoler
worked for nine years as a human-resources manager with Sears.
Though some observers have questioned whether Smoler will be able to
absolve Christians of earthly wrongdoings, having never died on the cross
for humanity's sins, Christ dismisses such claims, saying that he has "complete faith in
Dean."
"Whatever you wish to say unto me, you can say unto Dean Smoler,"
Christ said. "I am 100 percent confident that Dean is fully capable of
bathing you in the healing light of forgiveness and salvation. Turn to Dean, and you shall
not go astray."
From now on, Jesus advised Christians to address prayers to, "Our
Lord or His Associate," "Jesus or Dean," or "Jesus or anyone acting in His
employ."
Monday's hiring has led many Catholic Church insiders to speculate
that, once Christ retires, Smoler will become the One True Savior and Son
of God.
"After nearly 2,000 years of flock-leading, Christ appears to be
getting tired," said Cardinal John O'Connor of New York. "I strongly
suspect that Dean is being groomed as his successor."
Lending credence to such suspicions is a new book of the Holy Bible,
which details Smoler's newfound authority and divinity. The book,
tentatively titled, "The First Letter Of Dean To Mankind," will be included in the updated 1999
Bible.
Smoler's hiring as the first-ever vice-Christ is being well-received
by Christians.
"If Jesus says it's okay to pray to Dean, then it's all right by
me," said Grand Rapids, MI, resident John Bouton.
"I accept Dean Smoler in my heart and will pray to Him daily for
eternal salvation," Beatrice Moorehead of Montgomery, AL, said. "Jesus and
Dean are Lord." |
