Parenting Want Ad
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging, permanent
work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent
communication and organizational skills, and be willing to work variable
hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts
on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive
camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway
cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also
required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: Must provide on-site training in basic life skills, such
as nose-blowing. Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict
resolution, and crisis management. Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus.
Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the box, because
you most likely will need it for a school project.
Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing
budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, "He got more than
me!" for the rest of your life. Also, must be able to drive motor vehicles
safely under loud and adverse conditions while simultaneously practicing
above-mentioned skills in conflict resolution.
Must be able to choose your battles and stick to your guns. Must be able to
withstand criticism, such as "You don't know anything." Must be willing to
be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be
willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack-mule and be able to go
from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in
case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying
wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small
gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of
multiple homework projects. Must have
ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and
mental outlooks. Must be willing to be
indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly
and product safety testing of a
half-million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Also, must
have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit, because "fund-raiser" will
be your middle name.
Must have a diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions such as "What
makes the wind move?" Must always
hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the
end-product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to
remain in the same position for years,
without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that
those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training
offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that
college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you
give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary
scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no
stock-options are offered, the job supplies limitless opportunities for
personal growth and free hugs for life, if you play your cards right. |
