The Bill of Rights, Rewritten
The following was written by State Representative
Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA:
We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help
everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any
more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and
secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our
great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to
ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the
terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional liberal, commie, pinko
bedwetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people
were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they
require a Bill of No Rights.
BILL OF NO RIGHTS
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big
screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if
you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing
anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be
offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means
freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room,
turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the
World is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from
harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more
careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and
all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and
housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found,
and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing
weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional
couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of
another generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care.
That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're
just not interested in health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically
harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or
kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you
fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the
possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the
goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest
of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still
won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that
our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your
aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't
lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like.
However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do
not want to spend a lot of our time battling each and every
little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us
sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along
in hard times; but we expect you to take advantage of the
opportunities of education and vocational training laid before
you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness.
Being an American means that you have the right to pursue
happiness - which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are
unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by
those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights. |
