This is a little long but rather comical.....
I JUST HAVE ONE LITTLE THING ON MY CHRISTMAS LIST THIS YEAR
by Debra Ramos
Dear Santa,
I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I want only one thing, and I want it deeply.
I want to slap Martha Stewart.
Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug
little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it.
Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of
women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all.
Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't
concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about
ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on
the counter, buffet-style for dinner.
We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces
from hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out
of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety.
We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced
with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.
OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But
I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that
interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm
surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.
We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out
pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it
cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart Living?) When it
was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied,
"I don't have a microwave."
The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in
a tone that suggests you shouldn't either." Well lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa! That lovely microwave
you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make
complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has
been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next?
The coffee maker?
In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of
dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets.
Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less.
If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that qualifies as
"put away" in my house!
Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday
gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined
scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves, mind
you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about
giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she
does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her
back is black and blue.
She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the
90s", and says her most glamorous friends are "interested
in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold
a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new
friends."
Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past
the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from
crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in
shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the
finer art of toilet bowl sanitation.
Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).
The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought
white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says,
"People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all
gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.
A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up
early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild
blackberries for breakfast. This confirms what I've
suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too
much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.
If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha
treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from
the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket
change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right?
When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies,
"Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural
teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers.You should listen to
them."
Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this
point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back.
"Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only
admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha. And
of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself
an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives.
There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who
deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I
won't get my gift this year.
You probably want to smack her yourself. |
