Subject: Women speak in estrogen; Men listen in testosterone
RELATIONSHIPS:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart
out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men
Are Idiots' Then she will get on with her life. A man has a
little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at
3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, 'I just
called to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive
you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But, I want you
to know that there's always a chance for us.' This is known as
the 'I Hate You I Love You' drunken phone call, and 99% of all
men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that
offer courses to help men get over this need.
LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money,
football, and women. They aggerate about money, they don't know
football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate
stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker:
sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely
graphic and technical, and they never lie.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading
baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.
This is why high school romances rarely work out.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's
magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body
is lumpy and hairy and shouldn't be seen by the light of day. Men
are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked
men elicit laughter from women.
BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday
Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom
is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of the items.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to
the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items
left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes
grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the
time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed
tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of
course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-
less lane.
CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best
friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty
the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man
will dress up for weddings and funerals.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that
were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.
When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of
clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful
women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of
old American sitcoms.
MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women
are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any
shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's
head.
MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes
creating mood swings, hot flashes and tears. The nature and
degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in
a man provokes a uniform reaction... he buys aviator glasses, a
snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping
for a Porsche.
TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the
age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their
obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become
more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys:
little miniature TV's. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic
equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video
games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six 'D'
batteries to operate.
MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude
scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has
been produced by a man. Men will only show their butts, because
butt size doesn't really matter.
JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with
wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will
look like a lounge singer named Ramone.
TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more
minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says
the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is
counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
FRIENDS:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's
night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are
'Pass the Doritos' or Got anymore beer?'
RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a
word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom
giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of
the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by
saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want
to join me?'
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