(OT) I called my shrink, the pacifying but never parsimonius, (and former Maytag repairman) Doc Kronkite last night.
"Doc" I said, "do you do emergency sessions?"
He chuckled. "Does Maria do pre-market reports? Does Jerry Favor speak in tongues? 'Course I do emergency sessions."
"I need an emergency session doc" I told him.
"So come by already. Bring coffee, hot."
I flew into his office, tossed him the coffee, landed on his still lumpy couch.
"So boobeleh. What now? A new sex problem? More insomnia? Talk on me, talk already."
"Well doc, it's the market. It's going absolutely cookieputs, crazy. Yesterday the NASDAQ made it's biggest one day gain in history!" I hollered.
He rubbed his hands and smiled. "Yes, I know. I made a bundle, a bundle I made. I'm off to the Caribbean again in a few hours. Talk on me fast."
"Doc, there were a handful of stocks up 40, 50, even 60 points. Was I in any? No. I was short a little and got stopped out. I was long a few, and they went down. How do you do it doc?" I moaned.
He smiled his inscrutable smile again, said "I've got a secret. Mendelbaum."
"Mendelbaum? What's a Mendelbaum and where can I buy one?"
"No, Mendelbaum isn't a what, it's a who."
"Ok doc, who's Mendelbaum?"
"He's my broker."
"You use a broker? On-line you don't trade like me?"
"'Course not. Mendelbaum is a genius. Put me in CHINA, KOREA, RHAT, ARMHY, and yesterday he bought me a bushel of
JWEB on the opening. Stock closed over 66. A bundle I made."
"Say Doc, you think Mendelbaum will take me on as client?"
"Absolutley not. His client list is full. Only reason he took me on is 'cause he's a little cuckoo. He's my patient you know."
"No!"
"Yes, I listen to him and he trades for me. A lovely relationship."
"But Doc, this market is crazy! I've never seen anything like it. It's gotta end."
"Not according to Mendelbaum. Did I tell you he was my patient?"
"Yes, Doc. But why does Mendelbaum say it won't end?"
"Mmmm" said Doc Kronkite "Here we're getting into doctor-patient confidentiality. A very touchy subject. They could take away my license."
"You have a license doc?"
He ignored that. "Mendelbaum says the country is temporarily insane, consumed with a buy, buy, buy mentality. So they buy. Everything they buy. And price doesn't matter, especially stock prices. They're driving Alan Greenspan crazy. He called the other day, wants to set up an appointment."
"No! Alan Greenspan, the chairman of the Federal Reserve is gonna be your patient? You think he'll tell you where interest rates are going?" I asked.
Doc Kronkite rubbed his hands some more and smiled. "Interest rates, interest schmates" he hollered. "Out, now. A plane to the Carribbean I must catch."
"Thanks for the emergency session doc. Alan Greenspan! Maybe I'll do a little trading today. What do you think doc?"
"Trade, schmade. A plane I gotta catch. Did I tell you I'm off again to the Carribbean?"
"Yeah doc" I mumbled as I slouched out.
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