OT (in a way) - 12 Days of Xmas:
December 15,
Dearest Infoman:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two
turtle doves. They're very rare here in South Africa. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. I've never seen anything like them before.
All my love,
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December 16,
Dear Infoman:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens, shipped from a far-away land to South Africa. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
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December 17,
Dear Infoman:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic. I didn't know we had those species in SA!
Affectionately,
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December 18,
Dearest Infoman:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, with M1 diamond insets, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
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December 19,
Dear Infoman:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? DeBeers is complaining that the night shift workers can't sleep during the day through the racket. Its worse than the noise from their processing plant, nearby. Please stop.
Cordially,
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December 20,
Infoman:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. My shares in SUF are down, and now this. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds. Why didn't you send me some squished hamsters, instead.
Sincerely,
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December 21,
O.K. Buster:
On second thought, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. The Farm is too small to hold them all.There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
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December 22,
Hey Sh*thead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? DeBeers and the heirs have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours !
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December 23,
You rotten egg.
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Mines has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building on Farm Marsfontain shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the SA Diamond Evaluator police on you. ========================================================
December 24,
Listen Sh*thead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Do you think you're in Messina? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing lude acts with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death by DB crews during the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
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December 25,
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, who is also a major shareholder in SUF. The destruction of the Farm Marsfontain, of course, was total. All future correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach our SUFfering client at the Jo'berg Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a copy of the warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of
Jennings, Jennings and Jennings
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Happy Holidays to All!
Regards. Goalie. |
