OK, losers: Trade your life for this one!
BY DAVE BARRY
www1.sjmercury.com
HOW WOULD you like to make big money while sitting at home in your bathrobe eating cake frosting straight from the can whenever you felt like it?
If this sounds like the ideal career to you, then you should get into ``online trading,' which means getting rich by buying and selling stocks on the Internet, a worldwide network of computers operated by magic.
I assume you are on the Internet. If you are not, then pardon my French, but vous ˆtes un big loser. Today everybody is on the Internet, including the Mud People of the Amazon rain forest. In the old days, when the Mud People needed food, they had to throw spears at wild boars; whereas today they simply get on the Internet, go to www.spear-a-boar.com and click their mouse a few times (the Mud People use actual mice). Within three business days, a large box is delivered to them by a UPS driver, whom they eat.
So you, too, need to get online, and it could not be easier! Signing up with an Internet Service Provider (ISP) takes only a few minutes, after which you will immediately start enjoying all the benefits of having a fee charged to your credit card every month until the end of time. If you wish to cancel your account for any reason, such as your death, all you have to do is contact your ISP, fill out a simple form, then climb into a big tank and fight Rex, the Customer Service Death Squid.
But you won't have to worry about monthly fees once you're making ``big money' as an online trader! Of course financial experts recommend that before you make any investment decision you should carefully read a ``Q&A'-type column written by a trained English major. Here it is:
Are there any risks associated with online stock trading?
Yes. People do get hurt. To cite just one example: A man whom I
will call Webster P. Horngasket II of 2038 Open Wound Lane, Eau
Claire, Wis., who was unemployed and had a wife and five hungry
children to support, took his last $17.40, which was supposed to be
for little Jessica's insulin, and decided to ``play the market' with it,
despite having no experience. Two days later, his lifeless body was
found crushed under an enormous pile of thousand-dollar bills that
he had failed to stack properly.
How should I choose an online brokerage?
You'll be trusting your brokerage with your financial future, so you
should make absolutely sure that you pick one with a good TV
commercial.
What about the brokerage whose commercial for some reason
consists entirely of people square dancing?
That is an excellent firm, although every now and then the staff has to
run out and assist in the birth of a heifer.
OK, I've chosen an online brokerage! Now what do I do?
Step One in your investment program, according to the American
Society of Financial Planners, is to quit your job. ``The best way,'
notes the society, ``is to write a businesslike letter of resignation and
staple it firmly to your supervisor's forehead.' Now you're ready to
get rich by trading stocks!
What, exactly, ARE stocks?
They are pieces of paper stating that you own a piece of a company.
This means that if you own stock in, say, General Motors, any time
you want, you may walk into a Chevrolet dealership and take a
piece of a car.
What is the best strategy for buying stocks?
Consider the story of two neighbors, ``Bob' and ``Ted,' who each
have $5,000 to invest. ``Bob' invests in a diversified portfolio of
solid stocks with prospects for steady long-term growth; while
``Ted' gambles it all on a single high-risk stock. After six months,
during which the Dow Jones Industrial Average has risen by 14.3
percent, ``Bob' falls to his death while attempting to unclog his
gutters, and ``Ted' suddenly realizes that he does not have to return
``Bob's' riding mower.
What causes the stock market to go up and down?
A man named Alan Greenspan. If he's in a good mood, the market
goes up; if he's in a bad mood, the market goes down.
Can you give me the name of a ``sleeper' stock that you know, from
``inside' information, is about to go through the roof?
Yes, and here it is, unless the newspaper editors decide to keep it to
themselves. |
