Just returned from my weekly session with my shrink, the imperfect but always striving, (and former Barney Fife stand-in) Doc Kronkite.
Got there a few minutes late. As I walked into his waiting room his receptionist, Thelma Tushbumber, beckoned to me. "He wants you to wait, he's in Group" she said.
"Group, schmoup. This is MY time" I cried.
"Yes it is" she said, "But he's specializing in working with traders only now. Calls himself 'THE STOCK DOC' and he's been swamped with traders wanting sessions. Right now he's busy with a few traders that he wants to er, refer to another doctor. He'll be with you directly.
I was crestfallen. But there it was. I took a seat.
Impatient after a while I asked Thelma if she though it would be alright if I quietly slipped into Group. I promised I'd be very quiet. She thought a moment, nodded an OK.
As I walked in I saw maybe half a dozen patients. They seemed to be in their favorite positions in the crowded room; some in chairs, some on the lumpy couch and one poor fellow lying on the floor, softly sobbing.
The Doc looked at me, nodded, pointed to a corner. I stood in the corner. Nobody seemed to notice me.
Tastefully placed within each patient's arm's reach were several Tupperware bowls. I walked over to the Doc who was rocking back and forth, a wide smile on his face. "What's up doc?" I whispered.
"Special session this morning. A final session, closure for some of my patients who aren't responding to my treatment. I call it the "Coulda, Shoulda" session. Did a whole chapter on it in my book, the best-selling "Barney Fife on the Couch" Chapter 33.
"Coulda, shoulda? What does that have to do with the market and trading?" I asked.
"Watch. Hey Bernie, you start" he said to the group.
Bernie reached into his bowl and popped a handful of TUMS into his mouth, sighed and said "I coulda bought Microsoft at 20, but I didn't. I coulda bought it at 40. Nope. I coulda bought it at 70 even." Two large tears began to roll slowly down his cheeks.
"Very good Bernie" said the doc. "Guber, it's your turn."
Guber reached into his bowl and swallowed four aspirin, without water. "That's nothing doc. I coulda bought QCOM at 22. It went to 740!" He too began sobbing. Hard.
"Good heavens, you coulda bought QCOM at 22!" Doc Kronkite said. "You're doing fine Guber, let it all out."
"You think that's bad? croaked Dillingham. "I coulda bought Red Hat at 60", reaching into his bowl for four valium. He promptly fell asleep.
It was all so sad I thought. All the stocks they coulda bought, but didn't.
"Wait a minute, wait a minute!" hollered Harmon. "These guys are a bunch of pikers. Listen to this; I shoulda sold KIDE at 85. I shoulda SOLD AMZN at 110 when I had the chance. I shoulda sold my RTHM at 100," now reaching into his bowl and nearly choking on the Prozac he crammed into his mouth.
Such moaning, such groaning. The room was a puddle of grief. Now I knew what Doc Kronkite meant about the "Coulda,
shoulda" session.
Doc Kronkite stood up, smiling at his patients. "Great news. I've decided that you're all ready for the next step. Time for you to move up to Dr. Krelboink. A master, and my mentor. He taught me everything I know. Session's over. See
Thelma on the way out, she's made appointments for you with Krelboink." The doc gave me a sly wink. They were gone.
"OK boobeleh, your turn" he said.
I assumed the position on his lumpy couch.
"Tell me about your week" he asked.
"Great week doc" I replied. "I wet long, I went short. My longs went up, my shorts went down" I said proudly. "Say doc, how was your week?"
"Such a week!" he said. "As you just saw I got rid of er, completed closure, with the traders who coulda-shoulda. They lose money and come here to pester me. Krelboink can use the work."
"So now you're calling yourself 'THE STOCK DOC'. I kinda like it. So you're getting calls from traders huh? Anyone I know?"
"Well, I got a "Nokomis" and "OJ" and Janie and SusanG and someone who calls himself Small Fry. I gotta tell you, the phone is falling off the cradle" he said, rubbing his hands. "Hey, maybe these traders make money! Maybe they'll tell me what they're buying."
"Could be doc" I said, rising to leave.
"Thanks doc" I said.
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