Scottish Qualifying Bar Exam:
1.The ideal Scottish wife is:
1.Pretty, thin, and well educated
2.Able to make a little go a long way
3.Stupid enough to put up with a Scot
4.not scottish and too smart to marry one
2.Bagpipes are:
1.a wonderful expression of Scottish traditional values
2.a wonderful way to rid your house of rodents, cats, dogs, and all other intelligent creatures
3.a more soothing sound than the voice of a Scottish Mother-In_Law.
4.a practical joke played on the slow-witted Scots by the Irish centuries ago, that the Scottish have not fully caught onto yet.
3.The Kilt is:
1.another wonderful example of Scottish traditions
2.a good way to catch a cold
3.another Irish practical joke
4.proof that the Scots have no balls.
4.The Scots hate the Irish because:
1.the Irish never work and always play
2.everyone loves the Irish, no one loves the Scots
3.all those practical jokes
4.The Scots hate everyone... the Irish are just the closest.
5.A drunken Scot:
1.is a disgrace to house and home
2.is less able to stand vigelence over his finances
3.is an incoherent, drooling mess
4.is an improvement
6."A penny saved is a penny earned" and a good Scot...
1.invests that penny for his retirement
2.polishes and shines that penny, and counts it over and over to see how much that penny is worth
3.spends hours trying to save more pennies
4.Trick question: there is no such thing as a "good Scot"
7.A good dog:
1.is a loved and trusted companion
2.should be served in a stew because charcoal costs too much
3.is industrious at ridding the house of parasitic pests (except for the Scots themselves)
4.is better than the best Scot.
8."Money is the root of all evil"...
1.so we try to gather all the evil we can into one place
2.Evil is such a judgemental word... I'd select another one but dictionaries cost so much these days....
3.A good Scot always digs to get to the root of everything
4.that, since they never spend it, it's a good thing the Scots are too incompetant to earn any.
9.A smart Scotsman
1.Is industrious and invests wisely
2.can win arguments against a stone... when lucky.
3.Claims he is Irish
4.There is no such thing as a smart Scot
10.Scots drink...
1.Seldom and sparingly
2.Only Scotch Whiskey, because they like it
3.Scotch because nobody else will
4.to forget that they are Scottish
Scoring for the Scottish Test:
All questions are scored the same.
(A) - subtract five points from your score
(B) - no effect on your score
(C) - add five points to your score
(D) - add ten points to your score.
For the most part, this can be considered an IQ test.
-infinity to 0: you are perfectly qualified to be Scottish.
1-50: you are not quite as well qualified to be
Scottish as a four-week-dead warthog, but better
qualified than my houseplant
51-99: Although you aren't Scottish, you also are
not qualified to be Irish. Tough Luck.
100+: you must be Irish... take the other test. |
