AOL purchases Canada - MOOSEJAW In a stunning display of unrestrained gloating, AOL Time Warner announced plans to acquire the country of Canada for approximately $250 billion in debt, making it the first digital media powerhouse to actually attain the status of a sovereign nation. The new country will be called "Steve's Place" and will combine AOL Time Warner's vast media and cable assets with hockey, beer and Sunday morning fishing shows. As an
independent state, the media conglomerate could have almost unparalleled resources, including the power to pass laws, print its own currency, and expropriate broadband services.
For their enormous investment in Canada, enough to eliminate the country's federal debt, AOL Time Warner gets a majority of seats in the House of Commons, the Canadian equivalent to a dictatorship. AOL is expected to introduce a mandatory Internet tax of $21.95 per month per person, for which everyone in the country will receive a 250 hour free trial membership on AOL (must be used within one month of initial sign-on).
"Together, they represent the largest monopoly since Microsoft," said a leading investment analyst, "there is a good chance that the company could use this position to circumvent US regulation." then accused of trying to get around US law, Steve Case responded, "Absolute nonsense - we have no intention of undermining US policy, we simply want to level-off the playing field a little when it comes to negotiations."
Prime Minister Jean Chretien stated that the deal was in the best interest of a vast majority of Canadians, because the country couldn't possibly produce enough beer to eliminate the national debt, even though it was much
better than American beer. "Dare 'ave been studies dat clearly show dat de private sector can run de country much more effectively dan de elected officials," Chretien said. "Dis is a fact of life in de new global economy -
de important ting 'ere is dat, not only do we pay off de debt, we also get de 250 'ours free trial membership."
Chretien was strongly criticized for sacrificing self-government to the interests of big business. "Well, I tink we can walk and chew at de same time ere," Chretien responded, "because you will see dat what is good for
AOL is really what is good for de country. You know, Canadians don't care much about de government and de occasional busy signal from dare Internet service, as long as dey can click on some candy-coated icons and 'ave a few
beers, dey are 'appy."
AOL Time Warner has plans to move its main offices to Steve's Place, where the company will benefit from future tax breaks, subsidies, and a favorable exchange rate. Press officials from the Federal Communications Commission,
US Department of Justice, and Federal Trade Commission decided to get together for cocktails and share dirty jokes.
"This is an historic moment in which new media has truly lost its virginity," Mr. Case announced. "We've always said that America Online's mission is to make AOL commercials as central to people's lives as the telephone and variable-speed vibrator, and even more valuable, and this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to turn that promise into an enormous pile of money."
Analysts added that the merger could mean that everyone will have AOL tattooed on their ass within the next five or six years. If this deal is a success, it opens the doors to more mega-deals among media and a growing number of financially strapped nations. Microsoft, determined to remain a player in the convergence game, is already in the United States. |
