I owe you an apology.
I said some things that were wrong.
On the way to work this morning, it hit me.
You might be my second ex-wife!
If you are, here's my last letter to you:
Hello Sweetheart,
It's been a long time! Sorry I thought you were a man.
Lots has happened in the last 20 years, but I haven't kept you up to speed. I got a bit depressed when you stole my cash and took off in the middle of the night with your heroin addict boyfriend. That scam you pulled on the welfare people was really slick. Taking money from me, then taking money from them and claiming I never gave you any money.
They came after me, you know. And I paid what they said I owed them, even though I knew you stole the money.
That was wrong, you know...lying to them like that.
I've been doing pretty well in the last couple of years. Lots happening there, but you'll never know about it.
Oh, one thing happened about 2 years ago that you might be interested in. I got called for jury duty again. It was for the trial of this bad boy. It was pretty funny in a way, because he was guilty as sin as it turned out. The amusing part was he had this lame-ass woman attorney that couldn't argue her way through the front door of a nightclub on ladies night.
I mean she was really, really stupid. It was like she had devised this plan to hoodwink the jury and get this dude off even though he was obviously guilty. Not to mention the fact that she didn't understand law too well.
Her client was guilty. Trust me, he was guilty. Eyewitnesses, motive, all that. Guilty. Once we went into deliberation, the rest of the jury voted me the foreman, so I got to stand up in front of the judge and tell him we found this skuzzball guilty. The skuzzball just looked down at the floor, but the lame-ass attorney woman gave me the Major Stinkeye. I just stinkeyed her back.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. I got married again, and I have a 4 year old son. You know me, everyone says I am a great dad. He's a really cool boy too. Too bad you will never meet him.
I see you are still up to your old tricks of yapping about things you do not understand and imagining things that don't exist. I forgive you for that.
I forgive you for just about everything, actually, except for that cash you stole from me when you took off.
So now that I see you are into the stock market, I would very much appreciate it if you would keep me up to date on what you are trading. I want to try and take all your money away from you.
You never did believe a word I said, and I know this letter is no exception. That might be something you might want to look at in the future, assuming you aren't still on drugs.
You look fat in that outfit, you know.
See ya on Level 2, bitch.
TLC |
