HOW TO SING THE BLUES
1. Most blues begin with "woke up this morning".
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you
stick something nasty in the next line:
"I got a good woman,
with the meanest dog in town..."
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds.
4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues
transportation: a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Not acceptable:
Beemers, hot air balloons. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues
lifestyle, as does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues, although they always try. Adults
sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the chair if
you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Queens or
Brooklyn. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota: just a depression.
The best places to have the blues are still Chicago, St. Louis and
Kansas City.
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve
9. You can't have the blues in an office or mall: the lighting is wrong.
10. Good places for the blues:
a. the highway (the best: a crossroads)
b. the jailhouse
c. an empty bed
Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. wine tastings
d. a weekend in the Hamptons
11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you
are an old black man.
12. Do you have a right to sing the blues?
Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state, like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
e. "the man" doesn't like you
No, if:
a. you were once blind, but now can see
b. you're deaf
c. you have an IRA
13. Neither Julio Iglesias or Barbara Streisand (or their fans) can sing
the blues.
14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
Other blues beverages:
a. wine from a bottle in a sack
b. Irish whiskey from a dirty glass
c. muddy water (usually not for drinking)
Not blues beverages:
a. Any mixed drink or a drink with a little
umbrella in it.
b. Any kosher wine
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavor)
15. If it occurs in a fleabag hotel or in a shotgun shack, it's blues
death. Other blues deaths: being stabbed in the back by a jealous
lover, being pushed down an old mine shaft, crying yourself to death.
You cannot die a blues death during a tennis match or while getting a
liposuction treatment.
16. Some names for blues women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
17. Some blues names for men:
a. Joe (including "Big", "Old" or "Blind" alone or in
any combination, but not "little")
b. Willie (Little Willie could work)
c. Lightnin'
d. almost anything with "howlin' in front of it
Other name possibilities include physical infirmities: blind, cripple,
wheezin'; fruit names: lemon, lime; names of presidents: Jefferson,
Johnson, Fillmore.
Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia or Chauncey will not be
permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. |
