Bad Economic numbers later this week could set up my feeble humor:
Business Headlines
Sunday April 30 9:27 PM ET
Wall Street will try to pick up the pieces from what will go down as the worst week in stock market history.
"This carnage will change the financial landscape for many years to come", said analyst, C. Itold Usew.
The Dow drop of 2005 points seemed like a blessing compared to a Nasdaq which now sits at 2111. There have been multiple reports of suicides and several day-trader operations shootings. "I thought I had woken up in Bosnia", said former day-trader, Max E. Mumpane. "I not only lost my house, my wife, my girlfriend, my boyfriend, and my dog, but I got shot by some little pipsqueek who only lost $25,000 this week. And he shot me right in my empty wallet!"
The President will be on live television again tonight to try and reassure the population that even though their retirement accounts are basically gone, he is calling for a tax-rate hike immediately to bolster the Social Security system because he feels everyone's pain.
Bill Gates has shaved his head (except for a large Cent sign) as an act of mourning because he is now only worth 40 billion dollars.
In a related story, two hundred internet companies merged today in an all-stock deal valued at $191,666. The new company, "Plants, CD's, Insurance, and Other Really Cool Stuff" will be running an all-Java platform with really cool free stuff for the first 250 million visitors to their website. |
