I wanted to know what other agengies could invade my home without a search warrant. I am fully aware of the fact that search warrants can be gained through unethical means. But this is news to me that the INS can come into my home any time they want to, without a judges consent. I am alarmed. Not postal like Imus suggest our media is (see below), but i do think that it is unconstitutional.
DON IMUS
Remarks at the Radio and Television Correspondents
Association
Dinner.
Washington, D.C., March 21, 1996
IMUS: Thank you very much.
It's kind of interesting. These don't appear to be my
notes.
(LAUGHTER)
Do you have the folder I gave you? Where did this come
from?
Well, nobody leaves stuff like this just laying around.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Let me see if I can see what it says. S. McDougal called again. Says bank needs check and statement. Told her both are
in mail, ha, ha, ha.
(LAUGHTER)
Jesus, she looks stupid in those tank tops.
(LAUGHTER)
Maybe I'll just hang on to these. Well, now here we go:
Good evening, Mr. President, Mrs. Clinton...
(LAUGHTER)
... honored guests, ladies and gentlemen, radio and TV
scum.
(LAUGHTER)
You know, I think it would be fair to say that back when the
Clintons took office, if we had placed them all in a
line-up,
well, not a line-up...
(LAUGHTER)
If we were to have speculated on which member of the First Family would be the first to be indicted...
(LAUGHTER)
I don't mean indicted; I meant to receive a subpoena.
Everybody in this room would have picked Roger. I mean,
been
there, done that.
(LAUGHTER)
Well, in the past three years, Socks the cat has been in more
jams than Roger. Roger has been a saint. The cat has peed on
national treasures. Roger hasn't.
(LAUGHTER)
Socks has thrown up hair balls. Roger hasn't. Socks got his
girlfriend pregnant and had -- Well, no, that was Roger.
(LAUGHTER)
And as you know, nearly every incident in the lives of the First Family has been made worse by each and every person in this room, the Radio and Television correspondents, even
innocuous incidents. For example, when Cal Ripken broke Lou Gehrig's consecutive game record, the President was at
Camden
Yards doing play-by-play on the radio with John Miller.
Bobby Bonilla hit a double. And we all heard the
President,
in his obvious excitement, holler ``Go, baby.'' And I
remember
commenting at the time, I bet that's not the first time he's said that.
(LAUGHTER)
Remember the Astro-Turf and the pick-up?
ALL: Boo!
IMUS: And my point is, there is an innocent event made
sinister by some creep in the media.
(LAUGHTER)
Although, in some cases, the Clintons have not exactly
helped
themselves.
Imagine if back in 1978 Mrs. Clinton had not said to Mr.
Clinton, honey, Jim and Susan are here, and they've got some river front land for these great vacation homes and maybe we can make some serious money.
IMUS: And he said, God, I love this Reaganomics.
(LAUGHTER)
Or later, she said, Bill, I talked to Webb, and he said, put
down 600 hours.
And he said, wow, that's a lot.
She said, yes, I think 60 makes more sense.
And recently somebody said, I don't know I left them on
the
table in the book room.
(LAUGHTER)
Which reminds me, in light of the controversy that
surrounded
publication of Mrs. Clinton's book, perhaps ``anonymous''
should have written, ``It Takes a Village.'' And then
there's
Senator D'Amato's book, ``It Takes a Village Idiot.''
(LAUGHTER)
The Senator suggests that the Clintons hung around with
unsavory characters in Little Rock. What the hell is he
talking about? All of his friends have bodies in the trunks of
their cars.
(LAUGHTER)
By the way, my candidate for primary colors is Susan
Thomases, the literary agent. I think she wrote it and
simply
can't remember.
(LAUGHTER)
When I was asked to speak here tonight and was told who
would
be in attendance, my initial thought was, well, I've already said almost every awful thing you could say about almost
everyone in the room. And then I thought, well, almost
everyone.
(LAUGHTER)
And I recognize I'm not going to be invited to Renaissance Weekend or that bohemian deal where Newt, Rush and Dick all sit
in the tee-pee naked beating on tom-toms.
(LAUGHTER)
I won't be having lunch with Peter Jennings and some
Hollywood nitwit, so this could actually be fun.
(LAUGHTER)
So, let's start at the bottom with you folks in the media and
work our way up. Do you remember the infamous curb-side
shooting photograph from the Vietnam War. Well, I'm
watching
the CBS Evening News one night with Dan Rather and Connie
Chung. Things are not going well. And I'm thinking, we're a
couple of nights away from another hideous photograph.
(LAUGHTER)
I mean, everybody in this room knows Dan Rather is capable of
anything including pulling a gun out on the set of the CBS
Evening News.
(LAUGHTER)
Dan has these utterly incomprehensible bucolic expressions that he punctuates conversations with. Several times after talking with him, he would say to me, ``Tamp them up
solid.''
Having something to do, I later learned, with fortifying the
sides of underground tunnels that his father dug for reasons that remain unclear.
(LAUGHTER)
Now, I'm hard of hearing, hearing-impaired I guess would be
better, from wearing head phones for a long time. So, I
thought he was saying, ``Tampons are solid.''
(LAUGHTER)
And I'm thinking, why would he say that? I mean, I know he's
nuts, but...
(LAUGHTER)
What does that mean? Anyway I would laugh and I would
say,
Uh- Huh, and I would hang up.
Now, he's a great reporter, but he does not have all of
his
bait in the water.
(LAUGHTER)
And he's a little tense. I mean, watching Dan Rather do the
news, he looks like he's making a hostage tape.
(LAUGHTER)
They should have guys in ski masks, you know, and AK-47s just
stand off the...
And yet, he is one of the three or four people most
Americans
get their news from, along with Tom Brokaw, of course.
IMUS: By the way, nobody wants us out of Bosnia more than Tom does simply so he doesn't have to try to pronounce
Slobodan
Milosevic.
(LAUGHTER)
Or report on fighting on the outskirts of Valica Kladusa
(PH).
(LAUGHTER)
Or describe how Slobodan Milo --
(LAUGHTER)
I can say this -- how Slobodan -- no I can't say it.
And we know Brian Williams is standing in front of the
White
House thinking I'm two Serb war criminals names away from
Tom's
job.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
And then there's Peter Jennings, who we are told more
Americans get their news from than anyone else, and a man
who
freely admits that he cannot resist women. So I'm thinking --
here's Peter Jennings, sitting there each evening elegant,
erudite, refined, and I'm wondering -- what's under his
desk?
(LAUGHTER)
I mean besides an intern.
(LAUGHTER)
The first place the telecommunications bill should have
mandated that a V-chip be placed was in Mr. Jennings'
shorts.
(LAUGHTER)
My favorite moment on World News Tonight was when Peter
threw
it to Cokie Roberts who, we were told, was standing outside
the
Capitol Building. Remember that? When they chroma keyed
Cokie
outside the Capitol?
That happened during my friend Rick Kaplan's watch. Bill
Clinton's worst media day -- when Kaplan left as executive
producer of World News Tonight because he'd humped the
Clinton
administration harder than OJ has his video.
The only think he didn't do was a run a crawl of the
Clinton
defense fund's 800 number with a shot of Sally Struthers
sobbing into the camera.
(LAUGHTER)
I -- by the way, I like Sally Struthers, and I think she's
a
sweet, harmless soul doing God's work, but...
(LAUGHTER)
... if you're going to go on television and beg for food
for
starving children, I mean...
(LAUGHTER)
... shouldn't you maybe like eat a little less of it
yourself?
(LAUGHTER)
I mean, I don't think the plight of suffering children is
amusing. I've raised, personally, millions of dollars for
children with cancer and millions of dollars for parents
who've
lost children through Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. But
what
are these people thinking about when they send her to a
village
in Ethiopia full of starving people? I mean, they might as
well send the fat guy from Wendy's.
(LAUGHTER)
And by the way, this is really awful...
(LAUGHTER)
If you're Peter Jennings and you're telling more Americans
than anyone else what's going on in the world, shouldn't you
have at least had a clue that your wife was over at Richard
Cohen's house?
(GROANS)
She wasn't at my house.
Bernard Shaw and Peter couldn't be here tonight. He went
to
the movies with Alanis Morrisette.
(LAUGHTER)
Bernard Shaw and Judy Woodruff round out our network news
anchors and deserve mention only to recognize that Bernie
has a
greater nut potential than even Dan Rather. If not for CNN,
Bernard Shaw is at the post office marching somebody around
at
the end of a wire coat hangar and a shotgun.
And then there are the Sunday morning news programs --
This
Week With David Brinkley. I love Mr. Brinkley. He's an
American icon. He and I both had similar surgeries and I
recognize that Mr. Brinkley is 75 years old. He's adorable.
He also, frankly, looks like ET.
(LAUGHTER)
One of these mornings, I expect him to say -- Cokie, phone
home.
(LAUGHTER)
Well, he's not the only extraterrestrial on the program.
There's also Sam Donaldson and George Will.
(LAUGHTER)
First Sam, the New Mexico sheep rancher...
(LAUGHTER)
You would think anyone who's taken as much money from the
government in wool subsidies as he has could come up with
something better to put on his head.
IMUS: I mean, what is that?
(LAUGHTER)
Something Strom Thurmond threw out?
(LAUGHTER)
A cheap doily he swiped at Arianna Huffington's house?
(LAUGHTER)
And then there's George Will, and they call Steve Forbes a
geek. Anyone that buttoned up I guarantee you is spending
part
of his weekend wearing clothes that make him feel pretty.
The
things he picked up, we now know, at Victoria's Secret over
in
Georgetown.
MEET THE PRESS with the utterly charming, gregarious Tim
Russert, has brought a new sense of adventure and enthusiasm
to
Sunday morning television. Mr. Russert's unique probing and
interrogation of guests is widely scene as bold and
refreshing.
Sign off Bob Kerrey's wooden leg was a special moment.
(LAUGHTER)
Good-natured, however, and patient to a fault, Tim is to
be
admired for enduring frequently insipid observations and
questions from contributing correspondents who for some
inexplicable reason include the coma-inducing William
Safire,
the terminally tedious David Broder, and Elton John
look-alike
Mary McGrory.
(LAUGHTER)
Where did she get those glasses?
By the way, Russert, as many of you know, came to
television
from the world of politics, having once worked for New
York's
Senator Moynihan and Governor Cuomo. He was a fine aid
whose
duties included hiding the bottles for Pat and the bodies
for
Mario.
(LAUGHTER)
Some of you may have noticed Mike Wallace wondering around
here tonight. For some insane reason I agreed to be
interviewed by Mr. Wallace. It's a good thing, actually,
because, frankly, time is up over there at 60 MINUTES. I
mean
they've gone from biographical essays of Martin Luther King,
Mother Theresa, Stephen Hawkings, to profiles of
loud-mouthed
morons on the radio. I mean, have they no standards?
And if they're going to fold up like a two-dollar suitcase
every time some blood-sucking weasel in a Brooks Brothers
suit
threatens to haul him into court, then off-load the entire
cast
in an ambulance and ship them off to the drug (OFF-MIKE).
I mean, I hate to be harsh, here, but where are the days
when
Mike Wallace used to stick a camera in some poor sap's face
and
beat him like a rented mule?
Where are the sobbing confessions? And they've been doing
this for 100 years. It is over.
(LAUGHTER)
Except, perhaps, for Steve Kroft, and he's hoping he can
go
over to NBC and blow up trucks. And Ed Bradley, rethink the
earring thing, Ed, you're a newsman, not a pirate.
(LAUGHTER)
Molly Ivins is going to be a commentator. Why not just go
ahead and get Florence King? I told Nina Tottenberg
plagiarism
jokes weren't funny.
Speaking of people whose place on the planet is a waste of
space, the White House Press Corps. I mean, no wonder the
President doesn't want to hold any news conferences. Who
needs
to be assaulted by a pack of rodents whose idea of a
question
is to confront the President with an insulting observation
designed only to impress their equally rude and arrogant
colleagues?
Mr. President, Rita Braver, CBS News, we all know you're a
pot- smoking weasel, that you once ate an apple fritter the
size of a baby's head, and that you actually run a 12-minute
mile. Could you therefore tell the American people why that
thing on your lip looks like a milk dud? And if it is a
milk
dud, then I'd like a follow-up?
Sir, Brit Hume, NBC News. Sir, everybody knows the
closest
you ever came to standing in chow line was a cheeseburger
window of McDonald's.
IMUS: So, tell me and the American people, is that where
you
came up with, buy one, get one free?
The President gets treated better by Rush Limbaugh. Rush
may
not, as Al Franken suggests, be a ``big, fat idiot,'' but
I'm
sick of him. The radio show, the television show, the
stupid
books and now men's ties -- bold, vibrant, colorful -- and
all
designed to look great with a brown shirt.
(LAUGHTER)
What a surprise that Rush is selling something that goes
around a person's neck. And Rush didn't date in High
School,
you're kidding?
(LAUGHTER)
You mean, the varsity cheerleaders weren't falling all
over a
fat, pig-eyed shmoo who looks like a cross between Red Dog
and
one of those Budweiser frogs?
(LAUGHTER)
He should be on a beach somewhere in a pair of Bermuda
shorts, Hawaiian shirt, white socks, sandals, holding a
metal
detector.
(LAUGHTER)
He couldn't get a date in High School? Maybe they should
have had his senior prom at Sea World.
(LAUGHTER)
Remember the old joke, what's got a hundred feet and four
teeth; you know, the front row at a Willie Nelson concert?
(LAUGHTER)
Well, of course, now it's a Rush room. How appropriate
that
these ditto dorks all get together and eat and listen to
lard
butt. And then there's Newt.
(LAUGHTER)
Who names a child ``Newt?'' I mean, only slightly better
than a boy named ``Sue.'' Well, he came into the world from
the right side of town. Georgia boy, who was big and round,
dreaming one day he'd wield power absolute. He was a guy
who
spends a lot of time in the fridge and it's no wonder he
wants
to bring back the orphanage. You would too if you're
parents
named you Newt.
(LAUGHTER)
Now, all you atheists had better beware because school
children's head will be bowed in prayer, beseeching the Lord
to
get rid of the poor and the queers. Remember, Newt and his
conservative protegees are going to fix this country in a
hundred days and he was so proud he was on the verge of
tears.
But now the ethics folks are snooping for cash and his
cheesy
book was less than a smash and the polls all report he's
held
in disrepute. His sister's a thespian and appeared on
``Friends.''
(LAUGHTER)
And his poor old mom's still trying to make amends. I'll
tell you, life ain't easy for a boy named Newt.
(LAUGHTER)
And it was Newt, remember, who wanted to give every kid
mired
in the poverty of urban America, a laptop computer. Not
nearly
as popular as Phil Gramm's plan to give every white male in
the
country a lap dancer.
(LAUGHTER)
My friend, Kinky Freedman (ph), who headed ``Gay Texans
for
Gramm...''
(LAUGHTER)
... told me early on that the Senator was not going to be
President. And, now, of course, we all know that. I was in
Las Vegas when the news broke that Senator Gramm had
financed a
porno movie. It was better than having Ed McMahon hand me a
check for $10 million.
(LAUGHTER)
The only better news would have been had Senator Gramm
actually appeared in a movie. I mean, how great would that
have been?
(LAUGHTER)
I could -- like one of those ``Farmer's Daughter'' deals,
I
could see Phil in the role of the traveling salesman, Lamar
Alexander like as the farmer, Pat Buchanan, the weird ranch
hand, and one of John Kerry's old dates, right off the bale
of
hay on ``Hee-Haw.''
And by the way, what was the deal with the wagon -- pull
the
wagon, push a wagon, get in the wagon and get out of the
wagon.
What wagon? Where did he think he was, the Ponderosa?
(LAUGHTER)
Senator Gramm was fond of saying he was too ugly to be
President. Well, that was not his problem. I know he has a
Ph.D in economics. But you can't sound like you just walked
out
of the woods in ``Deliverance'' and not scare people.
(LAUGHTER)
You got a real purty mouth on you, there, Bubba.
(LAUGHTER)
Not happening. Bob Dole. What else does Bob Dole want?
IMUS: Willard Scott's already wished Bob Dole ``happy
birthday.''
(LAUGHTER)
Twice.
(LAUGHTER)
Bob Dole should be pleased. Bob Dole says, tell Willard
Scott to stop lying about Bob Dole's age.
(LAUGHTER)
And I agree with Ted Koppel. Pat Buchanan has a certain
inherent charm. However, if he gets elected President, two
weeks later somebody's knocking on your door at 3:00 in the
morning. ``Just checking...
(LAUGHTER)
``... what kind of a name is `Imus?'''
(LAUGHTER)
Although, all this stuff about Pat being anti-Semitic, I
don't know about that. A lot of people are unaware that he
lost a relative in a concentration camp; his uncle fell out
of
a guard tower.
(LAUGHTER)
Mort Sahl made the original observation that people who
talk
most about family values are all on their second and third
wives. And I would point out that they all have families
you
could rope off and charge admission to view.
(LAUGHTER)
You throw up a tent: put Pat Buchanan, his brother Bay,
Newt, mom Candace and Hugh Rodham in it, and you're looking
at
a theme park.
(LAUGHTER)
Now, I love Ronald Reagan as do most Americans, regardless
of
politics. But, man, what a weird family. Nancy staring at
him
like a glass-eyed Moonie on mushrooms, checking with this
nut-log out on the West Coast who's charting the course of
the
country on a Ouija board. I mean, what was that all about?
(LAUGHTER)
And the kid, Ron, prancing around in his underwear on
''Saturday Night Live'' and Patti's naked in Playboy. And
they
all, each of them had these ``Mommy Dearest'' book deals.
And,
of course, they all still hate Michael.
Weird families are not confined to Republicans, of course.
Remember the Carters?
(LAUGHTER)
Ham Jordan, Willie Nelson are smoking dope on the roof of
the
White House and Billy's out in the middle of an airport
hosing
down the runway, while Jimmy's flailing away at a
killer-bunny
with a canoe paddle, asking Amy to weigh in on America's
role
in the nuclear age.
(LAUGHTER)
And while President Clinton's cabinet is not technically a
family, they are the single, oddest looking group of people
ever assembled.
(LAUGHTER)
Like the bar scene out of ``Star Wars.''
(LAUGHTER)
I mean, watching them file in for the State of the Union
reminded me of seeing all those clowns crawl out of the
Volkswagen; it's a circus.
(LAUGHTER)
And speaking of Congress, while Al D'Amato, Jesse Helms
and
Strom Thurmond are mildly amusing as the chairmen of various
committees, I miss the Democrats who were in charge.
Especially Joe Biden. And Joe Biden's head. Tracking the
progress of his plug job was like watching time-lapse
photography of a Chiapet.
(LAUGHTER)
He was most entertaining, however, as a committee chairman
conducting hearings because Senator Biden always looked to
me
like he was coming on to the witnesses.
(LAUGHTER)
Usually women. ``So, Anita, when this is all over, you
want
to have a drink?''
(LAUGHTER)
And, although he's disappeared, he hasn't, as have 13 of
his
colleagues, actually quit.
IMUS: Of course, there are those Democrats who are not
only
insane, but are doing so with renewed vigor and enthusiasm.
Mostly by becoming Republicans.
(LAUGHTER)
With several noble exceptions, John Kerry of Massachusetts
among them; which now gives me the opportunity to express my
regret at having referred to my friend, Senator Kerry, upon
his
marriage to Theresa Heinz, as the Larry Fortensky of the
United
States Senate.
(LAUGHTER)
Which reminds me of poor old John Warner. The Senator
marries Elizabeth Taylor, one of the most beautiful women in
the world. Three weeks later, he comes home. She's sitting
in
the kitchen playing Deal-a-Meal with Richard Simmons.
(LAUGHTER)
I mean, how do you get that fat that fast and not live in
a
trailer?
(LAUGHTER)
And then he has to choose between Chuck Robb and Oliver
North. I mean, what's the deal with his karma? But back to
Senator Kerry. I also now recognize that it was
irresponsible
to suggest that he was a suspect in his own wife's
unfortunate
mugging. If the authorities thought it made sense that a
Senator from Massachusetts would be in Puerto Rico on a
fundraising mission during the time of family crisis, it
should
have made sense to me as well.
However, when I initially thought about it, it only seemed
slightly more plausible than chipping golf balls at 10:00 at
night. But the Senator and I are past that, in fact, it has
drawn us closer.
(LAUGHTER)
And, yes, some unanticipated good for other Democrats came
out of the Republicans' gaining control of Congress.
Senator
Kennedy, for example, was forced to focus and take a bride,
leaving Chris Dodd the opportunity to get his bearings and
realize, ``Hey, I'm a United States Senator. Maybe I
shouldn't
be crawling around on the floor of this restaurant.''
In fact, as you know, Senator Dodd has recovered
sufficiently
to become the General Chairman of the Democratic National
Committee and will play a pivotal role in the President's
reelection effort. In fact, he has a couple of bumper
sticker
ideas.
``Clinton-Gore, please raise your right hand.'' Or,
perhaps,
''Clinton-Gore, four more, or five to ten.''
(LAUGHTER)
Now, we're not sure what role James Carville or his dog
will
play in all this. But isn't it just like a Democratic
consultant to come along and make a mess and then expect
somebody else to clean it up.
While I am not one of, obviously, Bill Clinton's advisers,
and it's not that I think Al Gore has done a horrible job.
However, if I were the President and I wanted to make sure I
won in November, I'd ask Colin Powell to run with me. Stick
Dole with that dork from Michigan.
(LAUGHTER)
However, it appears it will be Bill Clinton and the
albatross
Al Gore for the Democrats and Bob Dole and someone slightly
less cranky for the Republicans.
(LAUGHTER)
Add the jug-eared little Martian from Texas for laughs.
(LAUGHTER)
One of the things, it seems to me, that the media ought to
think about in the coming months, particularly in this
election
year, consumed by the chaos of the campaign, is the
sensibilities of the people who you cover, the way you cover
them and your treatment of them as individuals.
For, if nothing else, they are all good and decent people
who, for whatever reasons, have chosen to devote the bulk of
their adult lives to public service; people who possess a
passion for ideas and ideals to which they have committed
extraordinary energy.
It is almost always irrelevant and shortsighted to seize
only
on the unfortunate human imperfections of people who,
frankly,
have demonstrated an often-puzzling willingness to endure
great
sacrifice, both personally and professionally for what they
see
as a noble summons to serve the greater good.
IMUS: More often than not, however, that is exactly the
case. You folks focus on each misstep, every misspoken word,
each testy outburst.
Do they not deserve some degree of our respect, to be
treated
with the dignity that at least acknowledges the mission of
altruism they believe they're conducting? Shouldn't we be
willing to give them some benefit of the doubt?
I don't think so.
(LAUGHTER)
Thank you all very much.
END |
