"So . . . tell me about your mother."
- "Freud for Dummies"
But thank heavens that is all behind us now...We now have motherhood to celebrate on Sun. DON'T FORGET MOTHER'S DAY IS SUNDAY!
I think motherhood behavior is universal! Our job is to embarrass our children so they won't behave like we did...ya, right!
Yikes, I'm my mother!
One of the most sacred duties of motherhood is to embarrass the
children whenever possible, especially if they're teenagers and - for
bonus points - especially in front of members of the opposite sex.
Of course, some women take this responsibility more seriously than
others. In honor of Mother's Day, we salute those who have gone above
and beyond the call of duty:
Eve: Poor Cain and Abel. Not only did their mother once pick them up
from the mall wearing hideous plaid pants, but they bore the additional
shame of having to tell their friends, "Yes, it was our mom who ate the
apple and brought Original Sin into the world."
Jochebed (mother of Moses): This model mom set her son adrift in a
river, hoping that somebody - anybody - would take him off her hands.
Only after considerable pressure from God did Moses later agree to
reinstate the phrase "and thy Mother" to the commandment about honoring
one's parents.
Joan Crawford: Actress, mother and author of "101 Uses for Coat
Hangers."
Lizzie Borden's mom: The heretofore unexplained "40 whacks incident"
is now believed to have followed Mrs. Borden's unfortunate decision to
show embarrassing home movies to Lizzie's would-be boyfriend, Lyle.
Melissa Etheridge: Claims to be a close friend of Brad Pitt but chose
David Crosby as Mr. Artificial Inseminator Guy to father her child.
Compounded faux pas by admitting it publicly.
Godzilla: After terrorizing New York, carelessly laid eggs in
conspicuous Madison Square Garden location, then admitted the father was
David Crosby.
Jocasta (Oedipus' mom): Married her own son after he killed her
husband. Winner, American Psychiatric Institute's Improper Toilet
Training Lifetime Achievement Award.
Madonna: "Sex," the book. Dennis Rodman, the romance. "American Pie,"
the hatchet job. Enough said.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Anatomically correct photo album posted on
Internet redefined the term "Kodak moment."
Pamela Anderson Lee: See Doc Schlessinger.
Tipper Gore: Crusade to slap parental warning labels on rock albums
tarnished the poetic beauty of KC & the Sunshine Band's "Shake Your
Booty."
Fergie: The Duchess of Weight Watching pushed child mortification to
new heights when the Daily Mirror published photos of her "financial
advisor" sucking on her toes.
Roseanne: Some mothers sing in the shower, others sing the National
Anthem at baseball stadiums and grab their crotch.
Rebecca (mother of Esau and Jacob): As recounted in the Book of
Genesis, this doting mom conspired with Esau's younger brother Jacob to
cheat Esau out of his inheritance - and deceived her own husband in the
process. Winner, Mother of the Year Award, 3005 BC.
Mama Rambo: Sylvester Stallone's thrice-married mom, Jackie, has
racked up an impressive record. Besides telling reporters her son has
"zipperitis," she has insulted three of his wives, promoted a team of
nude female boxers called Stallone's Knockouts and publicly demonstrated
the "age-old art of rumpology," in which the imprint of a person's
derriere is said to foretell his or her future. In a script for "Rocky
XXXIV," son Sly lives out every teen's dream and goes into the ring with
Mom.
|
