The Day of Hell
Lee does have a job in the day. Since he is in Arkansas his ability to turn a computer on and off, type, and locate all of the hot porn sites on the internet has earned him the label 'Tech Guru' at the office. He is often called on to handle emergencies: "This is how you gets to that video of Pamela Anderson," "Nuthin has hit the web yet on Britney Spears, but if I finds it you will be the furst to know' and 'I has told you, you gots to kill that orc before pickin up the new sword."
His boss does like to run an orderly office though and so it was that he called a meeting a 6:00 pm Wednesday while I was visiting. Lee likely would have found this tolerable enough except his wife 'The Wolf' decided to go and chat with the other wives on the usual topic of who has the worst husband. She also decided she wanted Lee somewhat presentable so that morning she greeted Lee with a cherry:
"Get your butt out of bed and get out of the house, and take Druss with you. You be back by 5:30, we are going to that meeting tonight. I want you looking your best. So no drinking today!"
"No drinkin? Lord help me I'll die!" Lee said.
"You aren't dying until I get tired enough of you. No Drinking!"
"I gots to drink sumthin, it is a hot day, please...."
At this point she tossed two gallon jug into Lee's lap and said "If you get thirsty you can drink this and nothing else! Now get get up and get!"
Lee and I promptly darted to his truck which we had stocked the night before with beer and moonshine and headed out to a local lake. After loading the boat with beer, shine, and some fishing equipment we set out on the lake. Lee was cradling the two gallon jug 'The Wolf' had given him in his lap like a new born child.
"Damn Druss", He said, "I was skeered there, I really thought she weren't going to let me drink anythin."
With that he pulled the stopper of the jug and took a good swig.
"Wut the..., Druss taste this."
He passed me the jug and I tried a swig.
"That's water Lee."
"So that's what it tastes like. I always kinda wondered. Wut am I gonna do Druss, I cain't drink this, it ain't got no nutrients in it?"
"Well Lee, you could just drink the beer and shine and tell her you didn't."
"Thet woman could smell out a ten day old trail in the woods after a rain, she would smell it on my breath fer sure. If I drink any alcohol I will spent another month with them tubes in my veins a drinkin out of them. Wut can I do!!?"
"Well, you can pass me that beer and shine at your end of the boat, it doesn't look like you will be needing them."
The rest of the day was rather interesting. Lee sat in the boat with his arms wrapped around himself moaning. Every time I opened a pull tab on a beer he started like a gun-shy dog sitting next to a cannon firing.
"The cruelty of that woman, I cain't believe anyone would be so wicked and be allowed by God ter live."
After a pretty good days fishing we drove back to his house. I had to drive as Lee was huddled in a fetal position in the back of his truck.
The Wolf came out when we arrived and said "You stay here Druss, I got enough to answer for without people knowing he has you for a friend. Lee look at you, I guess there really isn't anyway to improve you. You can have some shine when we get back."
It turned out she was a little bit wrong about Lee drinking shine or anything else when he got back though. I found his stash while he was gone. When Lee got back and found no alcohol in the house the wails were simply heart rending, it was the cry of a soul in anguish, a stone would have wept.
The memory has kept me cheered for a week.
Druss |
