Bail has been made for a loco man after an incident late last night on the "Cuss with Druss" evening blab show. The man, Lucky Buckeye, was arrested after a violent assault against the show's host, Mr. Druss. The amiable host had been attempting to cower the loco hairdresser into admitting to the truth of the wagging tongues who were asserting this fellow to be GAY.
"I'm not GAY", gasped a flushed and visibly shaken Buckeye in a quivering voice. "I don't like men; I don't never look at men; I don't even think about GAY. I'll kick the F--- out of anyone that says I'm GAY".
"But you're a hairdresser", persisted Druss. "You can't be unaware of the local gossip. I mean...what do you expect? You spend your day primping guys hair!"
"I told you once; I'll tell you one last time. I'm not GAY. I swear to God; I'll kick the F--- out of anyone that says I am. What does my choice of career have to do with it? Hair is beautiful. Hair is magical. Hair cascades in rivulets of sensuality and plucks at ones heart. There is so much incredibly rich feeling in hair: the colours, the tints, the hues, the vibrancy of tone. Hair can be fixed in so many incredibly marvellous ways. Hair smells absolutely divine when it is properly and lovingly fixed. Hair makes my hands tingle. Love, Love, Love, Love, Love...It helps a person to share all the way through. It simply overwhelms my senses to have the privilege of sharing my inner being through the bonding strands of hair. "I could write a sonnet upon your Easter bonnet..." (I gotta grab another drink. Buckeye is even starting to make me feel sick; and I thought I had an open mind,. :)
Suddenly, Druss tousled Buckeye's hair as he focused a wild smirk on the audience. "What do you think, Audience? Is he GAY. I think he is on the McHappy side of Hamburger's Happy Face".
Buckeye's face turned a deep purple and a paroxysm of rage (rage almost always comes in paroxysms) shook his slight frame. "You are cold, insensitive, and nasty Mr. Druss. I don't feel any warmth from you. I told you I would kick the F--- out of you if you kept this up, and I shall in deedydo. I shall prove to you that I am not GAY.
Having said that, the distressed Buckeye, dressed in the IMPECCABLE ELEGANCE of fine Italian shirt and slacks, leaped on Mr. Druss and smashed him repeatedly in the face. When Druss was finally insensate upon the studio floor, Buckeye commenced to put the boots ( a pair of beautiful Italian Morbidoni in Chamois leather) to him. For seven minutes the enraged Buckeye attacked staff and audience members. He kicked the F--- out of 13 men, 2 women, and a child--before being subdued by 7 members of the United States Marines Corps, who happened to be in the studio audience. The seven young men were finally able to kick the F--- out of Buckeye, but not before he landed telling blows on all seven of them. Three remain in hospital in stable condition. The others are dead.
Bail was made by Buckeye's roommate, Coopey. The townspeople are circulating a petition asking that charges against Buckeye be dropped due to the fact that he was taunted and provoked by allegations that have so eloquently been refuted by his own true self. Druss himself, in a brief moment of consciousness, weakly rasped out a few words: "I was sure wrong about that boy. He sure as Hell ain't GAY. Christ! He really did kick the F--- out of me".
Head Nurse, Sherry Foxtrap, sponged away fresh blood as it leaked through the lacerated facial skin of Druss and meandered in ugly rivulets down his pale cheeks. Sherry continues to work a 60 hour week in order to send her son, Nathan, to his twice weekly Tai-Kwondo classes. Mother and Son are hopeful that he will be able to use his training in self defence, or a war.
If you want your hair done at Buckeye's Hair Palace...don't count on getting it done anytime soon. Business has boomed in this tiny salon next to Wilde's Wild Steam Bath. Appointments are being taken with a 14 to 16 week waiting period... |
