Solon acted swiftly last night to secure his ass (a gift from Kasha Buckwheat) in a stone granary--after veiled internet threats alerted him to a sexual pervert. However, tragedy occured in spite of his efforts. When Solon stepped out early this morning to feed his livestock, he was confronted by an horrific scene of pandemonium and terror. His goats, sheep, chickens, and pigs had all endured savage sexual assaults and grievous wounds. The only survival of this ugly night was Solon's ass which remained frightened but safe, intact and unharmed in the reinforced granary. One of Solon's prize sows had been buggered...and she not even at farrowing age. One prepubescent sheep, barely able to grow wool, bleats mournfully in a corner of the corral. Blood is everywhere, mostly from bestial bites.
It was a grim faced Solon that rolled up his sleeves and tore strips of cloth off his good shirts to bind the terrible wounds of his wards. The water boiled continuously, and the stench of creosote was intense as Solon worked through the dawn hours to comfort the little creatures.
The only property missing was a 2 foot length of board with a 1/2 inch diameter knot hole in it. When asked if he had any idea as to the perpetrator of these atrocities, Solon's knuckles turned white as his powerful hands clenched on a long sycthe he was holding. "He is a sexual creep, and his name is too vile to speak. An ant can't chant. Take the correct two letters from each word, combine, and rearrange...you will discover the sick and perverted little creature".
The only clues left at the scene were a size 7 shoe, and an empty and ominous milk carton depicting the forlorn and lonely face of the missing child, Bambi, staring hopelessly out. Bambi, we remember, was the little girl that ran away from her abusive parents 3 months ago, and has not been heard fron since.
In other news, RCMP have removed a man from an early morning flight, after it was discovered that he had carried a two foot length of board onto the plane. According to flight attendant, Mark Miwurds, he was led to the man's seat by the overwhelming smell of pig manure. He then noticed the man was wearing only one shoe, and had a board underneath a pink blanket draped across his lap. When asked to reveal his hands the man refused, stating that he was going to rectumfy everyone on the plane. "He was so smelly, so creepy, and sooo ugly", said flight attendant Rachel Allen, while wrinkling her nose. "One of those creeps that you would walk a mile to get around. UGG."
More news as it comes in. |
