From Lee Cramer somewhere on a Caribbean island:
Dear Maria:
We all know you are dedicated to making CNBC an unbiased and informative
advocate to your legion of viewers.
It is this dedication that has made you, your co-CNBC'ers, amd
myself...concerned about the accuracy and integrity of the information that
you so calmly and professionally pass along to us each day.
It reminds me instantly of Walter Kronkite and Edward R. Murrow. When they
told us what was happening....I believed. And I know that milions of
Americans believed too; what these two imparted was the Truth. We knew it,
never questioned it.
It kinda reminds me of the accuracy and the information found every evening
on the nightly news, which by the way. I never miss. How else to learn
what's happening. News sent out by federal and local sources is especially
enlightening. To wit:
Not too long ago I was informed that the town of Brookline, Mass. had
prohibited the smoking of cigarettes, cigars and those "funny" little
doobies that you roll, anytime outdoors . If the LEO's (Law Enforcement
Officers) spot you, it's off to the slammer post-haste, hands tightly cuffed
behind the back. And this of course includes five-foot tall 80-year old
ladies with blue-hair. No exceptions. Fenway Park, a fastball toss away from
Brookline, and an open-air ballpark, serves as much beer as the 33,000 plus
can imbibe. But Red Sox management, fearful of that dreaded "second hand
smoke", (despite the prevailing winds which blow in lustily from the
west...and ignoring the silly concept of diffusion) has banned all smoking
of cigarettes, cigars and those "funny" cigarettes. "Bravo" I say.
And just this past week it was reported that a town in Nova Scotia put the
ban on anything that smells...perfume, flowers, soap and deoderent to name
but a few. Can you imagine what a town without soap or deoderent will
smell like in a week or two?
All of this was reported over TV and in the Press...accurately. But I'm a
wee bit worried. Is the country running amok? And will you and your fellow
CNBC'ers succumb to this?
Gee Maria...we've got more handguns than toilets and TV's. We've got AK-47's
and Charlton Heston to bring down all those cute Bambi's....to "thin out
the herd."
But I stray Maria. I really want to make a point about Cancer. Many towns
have a very high cancer rate. And of course, without a lengthy
"double-blind" study...the usual scientific method of determining the
validity of these claims...where are we?
Well Maria, as luck would have it, the answer to this troublesome conundrum
came of course from my trading-partner Dortmunder who sports an IQ of 197,
attires himself in three-piece suits flown in from Saville Row ...that's
across the Pond... and speaks in a clipped British accent. No Cockney
rhyming slang for Dortmunder.
But again I stray Maria. I asked Dortmunder (I call him Dorty) if he'd be
willing to share his extensive wisdom with you. He not only agreed...he is
willing to let you adopt it as your own.
As he tells is, it all came down the other night after the NYSE's 1366
members, support and administrative staff, led of course by Dickie Grasso,
hustled off to "Elaine's" when the gavel hit as the market closed at 4:00
p.m. After a martini or two all the muckety-mucks from the NASDAQ trooped
in. Quite a massive gathering. Anyway, after the martini lubricating they
all downed large bowls of beans and rice and soon after, began
farting...really great farts. And as they all sat in the miasma fog...the
answer came.
See Maria...all floor traders, Specialists, support staff and NASDAQ'ers eat
beans and rice. Consequently they all fart.
Figue it out Maria; with hundreds, 'nay thouands farting at least once a
day...and of course we know that many are multiple-farters...they are
feeding fart-gas into the atmosphere at an alarming rate. And, according to
the USDA (a fine institution by the way) and which conducted the same sudy
of bovine flatulance, they determined that each fart is made up of 80%
Methane Gas. This Methane gas...the product of least 1,000 farters, rises
up into the atmosphere...where it widens the hole in the ozone layer,
allowing cancer-producing ultra violet rays to reach the Earth and easily
penetrate the NYSE and NASDAQ buildings.
This Maria, is the cause of the Great Bear Market of 2000.
If you want stocks to bottom...if you want stocks to regain their
bull-market status...you, Mark, Joe, David, Kathleen, Bill, Ron, Tom and the
remaining CNBC'ers should STOP THE FARTING! Forthwith. |
