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RENO'S NEXT BIG CAPER:
THE RAID ON MICROSOFT HEADQUARTERS
By: Libbey Terrian
How the Associated Press will report it:
Attorney General Janet Reno, encouraged by the successful conclusion to the Elian Gonzalez case, today held a press conference on her next project, addressing the protracted Federal Government case with Microsoft. Ms. Reno stated to the assembled that at 9 am PDT Federal agents had gained access to Microsoft?s Seattle headquarters, secured the premises and removed Bill Gates.
Agents, wearing fatigues, body armor, gas-masks and armed with automatic weapons gained entrance to Microsoft?s Seattle Headquarters with a minimum of resistance. Pepper spraying office personnel and lobbing tear gas canisters into the employee cafeteria, agents quickly made their way to Bill Gates office, where two male agents gathered up the founder and bundled him away to waiting vans to be taken to Seattle-Tacoma International Airport to a waiting jet bound for Washington, DC.
"I want to praise the agents for their professionalism in this matter," Ms Reno stated, "Their swift action and show of overwhelming force minimized any interference in their duties."
Asked why the agents felt it necessary to go into the headquarters with automatic weapons and use pepper spray and tear gas on the personnel, Ms Reno answered, "We had no way of truly knowing what the situation was inside. We have received reports of scissors and knives being stored on the premises and felt we should take no chances."
Ms. Reno, commenting on the ongoing court procedures with Microsoft, said, "We had run out of patience. For months we had been negotiating with these people and each time they had changed the rules and moved the goal posts. Something had to be done. Microsoft must learn they are not above the law. The court hearings will go on as scheduled. Mr. Gates will be comfortably ensconced at a private location while the court case is settled."
Seattle Mayor Paul Schell was visibly upset when he was notified of the action, "I?m disgusted at this unnecessary action on the part of the Attorney General. Yes, the court case with Microsoft was dragging on far beyond what anyone expected, but I am ashamed today of the Federal Government?s actions."
Bill Gate?s secretary, Darla Brave, ushered the media through the executive offices, at times breaking into sobs, "I was on the phone on a conference call with our lawyers and Ms. Reno when I heard heavy banging in the outer office. I couldn?t believe what was going on. They had our people on the floor, rifles pointed at their heads and shouting ?Don?t move, we?ll shoot, we?ll shoot! Give us ***ing Gates! ?. I pleaded with them, ?Put down the guns! Don?t worry! He?s here, please put down the guns!? They wouldn?t, you know. They just kicked in and broke his office door. He was standing with his back to the corner, his administrative assistant was with him. They pointed a rifle in his face and said, ?Give us Gates or we?ll shoot you!? "
Informed of these comments, Ms. Reno dismissed them out of hand, "We felt we had no choice to move swiftly in this matter. While I am sure this was upsetting to the citizens at the time, given their non-cooperation in the past, I am sure we can discount their recollections as exaggeration and prejudice."
Ms. Reno also stated that her office was being besieged by requests from local law enforcement on how they might be able to use the same tactics to settle local cases, "Our office is currently drawing up protocols to forward to these localities."
Ms. Reno assured the assembled press that both a physician and a psychiatrist on the plane bound for Washington, "We wanted to make sure that Mr. Gates was all right and understood what had happened. We had food for him, some computer games he could play. Every effort made to keep him calm and comfortable. If needed, the doctors were there to prescribe any medication necessary so Mr. Gates would be in the proper state of mind upon his arrival at Andrews Air Force Base." |
