Useful Phrases for the Tourist
Joanna Russ.
From volume one of Wu and Fabricant, entitled "Physiology, Ecology, Religion and Customs of the Locrine".
AT THE HOTEL:
That is my companion.
It is not intended as a tip.
I will call the manager.
This cannot be my room because I cannot breathe ammonia.
I will be most comfortable between temperatures of 290 and 303 degrees Kelvin.
Waitress, this meal is still alive.
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AT THE PARTY:
Is that you?
Is that all of you?
How much (many) of you is (are) there?
I am happy to meet your clone.
Interstellar amity demands that we make some physical display at this point, but I beg to be excused.
Are you toxic? Are you edible?
I am not edible.
We humans do not regenerate.
My companion is not edible.
That is my ear.
I am toxic.
Is that how you copulate?
Is this intended to be erotic?
Thank you very much.
Please explain.
Do you turn colors?
Are you pregnant?
I shall leave the room.
Can't we just be friends?
Take me to the Earth Consulate immediately.
Although I am very flattered by your kind offer, I cannot accompany you to the mating pits, as I am viviparous.
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IN THE HOSPITAL:
No! My eating orifice is not at that end of my body.
I would rather do it myself.
Please do not let the atmosphere in (out) as I will be most uncomfortable.
I do not eat lead.
Placing the thermometer there will yield little or no useful information.
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SIGHTSEEING:
You are not my guide.
My guide was bipedal.
We Earth people do not do that.
Oh, what a jolly fine natatorium (mating perch, arranged spectacle, involuntary phenomenon)!
At what hour does the lovelorn princess fling herself into the flaming volcano?
May we participate?
That is not demonstrable.
That is hardly likely.
That is ridiculous.
I have seen much better examples of that.
Please direct me to the nearest sentient mammal.
Take me to the Earth Consulate without delay.
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AT THE THEATRE:
Is that amusing?
I am sorry; I did not mean to be offensive.
I did not intend to sit on you.
I did not realize that you were in this seat.
Could you deform yourself a little lower?
My eyes are sensitive only to the light of the wavelengths 3000-7000 A.
Am I imagining this?
Am I supposed to imagine this?
Should I be perturbed by the water on the floor?
Where is the exit?
Help!
This is great art.
My religous convictions prevent me from joining in the performance.
I do not feel well.
I feel very sick.
I do not eat living food.
Is this supposed to be erotic?
May I take this home with me?
Is this part of the performance?
Stop touching me.
Sir or madam, that is mine. (extrinsic)
Sir or madam, that is mine. (intrinsic)
I wish to visit the waste-reclamation units.
Have you finished?
May I begin?
You are in my way.
Under no circumstances.
If you do not stop that, I will call the attendant.
That is forbidden by my religion.
Sir or madam, this is a private unit.
Sir and madam, this is a private unit.
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COMPLIMENTS:
You are more than before.
Your hair is false.
If you uncover your feet, I will faint.
There is no room.
You will undoubtedly be here tomorrow.
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INSULTS:
You are just the same.
There are more of you than previously.
Your fingers are showing.
How clean you are!
You are clean, but animated.
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GENERAL:
Take me to the Earth Consulate.
Direct me to the Earth Consulate.
The Earth Consulate will hear of this.
This is no way to treat a visitor.
Pleae direct me to my hotel.
At what time does the moon rise?
Is there a moon?
Is it a full moon?
Take me to the Earth Consulate immediately.
May I have the second volume of Wu and Fabricant, entitled "Physiology, Ecology, Religion and Customs of the Locrine"?
Price is no object.
Something has just gone amiss with my vehicle.
I am dying.
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