I'm postin' a copy of the Porch Party Note that Polvie read to you Party People.
SheX, I'm still dirtless!
Since none of you will fill me I'm on what went on at the party, I'm hoping that from the kindness of your hearts, that you will tell me if anything I guessed at in this letter came true.
Here it is:
==
Thursday, Jun 15 2000 6:53AM ET
To: elpolvo (who wrote)
From: claptonsguitar
Polvie, Here's my note for the party.
I'd like you to be the one to read it because your great sense of humor will enhance the stupid things I'm writing.
--
To my dear Porchers,
I asked Polvie to read this because I feel he may help to say the words with the way I feel them.
This includes my instructions for him to turn his head sideways and smile when he see's my smiley faces written on this page.
:^)
I really wish I could have joined you wonderful people this weekend.
It was difficult for me to watch the excitement build these last two weeks, knowing that I wasn't going to be able to
attend.
I'm missing out on more than just a great weekend.
I'm missing out on the next level of this budding friendship we have all developed over the past several months.
I'm missing out with being able to place a face on all the words that I read from each of you.
I'm missing out on what separates cyberspace from reality.
I'm missing a lot of fun.
:^(
This fun would perhaps included me wearing my clown outfit on the golf course, complete with rubber nose,
puffy-polka-dotted wide arse pants, and giant clown sized golf shoes that honk with each step I take.
Voltaire would have shot a friggin' 99 with me on the golf course.
:^)
We could have seen how many of us clowns we could have piled into a golf cart.
Polvie showed me list of you golfers with your handicaps.
(I would have fit in well with CRDesign or better yet the group of ladies.) Psychic lady She obviously spends much more time researching stocks that driving golf balls.
:^)
Somehow I think she wasn't telling the truth when she said she had a 56 handicap. She actually knew that a handicap that high would get her a closer parking spot marked in blue right near the clubhouse.
It looks to me that this poor resort will ordering a few truck loads of sod to replace all the divots this group will be creating this weekend.
Luckily they will still come out ahead in golf ball sales revenue from all the drives into the woods coming from Canditio, Rob, and Polvie.
Abstract's shots are supposed to go into the woods. That's how these artist types see things. Besides it more interesting in the woods looking for a ball than it is when easily seeing one laying on the grass 150 yards away.
It's a good thing Rick isn't playing golf. He'd end up spending the better part of the afternoon in the woods making friends with the critters and feeding them Ritz crackers and stuff...
:^)
Lovely Rosie the "Canadian" would probably held the clubs like a hockey stick.
Her clubs would also be taped up on the custom curved blades.
...and when Joel walked up to put in his shoot birdie, she'd issue him a hip check into the water hazzard.
Pinhi, obviously would have lived up to his name. However Coonzie probably would would have his dad planted out near
the green to replace that ball with a duplicate of Coonzie's Titleist #2.
Drenko would have most likely supercharged his golf cart and added spoilers and big fat tires on the back.
The ranger would be following him all day issuing speeding tickets.
Dutch wanted to play golf in the worst way but he couldn't get permission to play in the Dutch wooden shoes he was
wearing.
Besides, he prefers the tiny golf courses that have windmills on them. He's got a 5 handicap on the PuttPutt Mini Golf near his hometown.
They offered him a job as the Golf Pro there.
Ritch with his degree in accounting would probably be usefull in keeping Candito and RobJohnson from having too much liberty in what taxable deductions they continually subtract from their score cards...
I hope Danger girl gets to Atlanta in time. I understand she left last week riding one of her Tennesse Walking Horses.
She tied her luggage and golf bag to the saddle some how. I never quite understood the reason why a horse that only
walks would be such a popular breed.
All I can say is, "Thank Goodness that Paul Revere didn't own one! He would have only gotten down the block from his house by the time the Red Coats done invading Boston.
Judith the Cowgirl on a horse named One-Eyed Jack should get there fast. I believe she put him in the back of her truck.
It reminds me of some poem or story Polvie wrote about putting a horse in a sailboat. It think that Lyle Lovette
dude wrote a song 'bout it or sumptin'. Sounded cool...
Ask him about the song this weekend.
Anyhow I just remembered that Judith's lovely one-eyed horse's name is Pete. Sorry Cowgirl.
I was probably getting confused with the name of the card Dealer usually hides up her sleeve when playing poker.
I sure hope Lovely GlendaDealerDudette doesn't take all your money this weekend at the poker table. There's a reason
why she took that SI name.
Watch out now, Dealer's looking to make up for some of that QCOM losses she had.
I understand, The margin man who collected on her is supposedly staying in the fancy penthouse suite this weekend. He's the one with the gold plated Big Bertha clubs he bought in March...
Depy Dog continues to win at the poker table. However she keeps calling Voltaire over to see how she might be able to
write covered calls on her winnings...
Volty had to explain to her that she can't write Sept. 200's on the Strait Flush she was holding...
Dealer keeps trying to buy July 80's on the pair of Jacks that she has...(not counting the extra jack in her sleeve)
Red hears's the word "Jack" and his ears rise up. He orders a double Jack Daniels from the bar. He begins taking "before
and after" pictures of his drink glass with his polaroid camera to keep count of the number of drinks he's had.
This way he'll know when it's time to go to the bathroom.
:^)
I have a feeling that Red The Scottsman and I would have had a lot of fun together. However I'm thinking that I would
have regretted those "artistic" black and white nude pictures of me running across the golf course and dancing the Lambada by myself on the 18th green after having a few too many shots of his imported scotch...
ScottMantz continues to get lectured by Polvie that Cervesa doesn't contain any wheat. It's made from Maize, cactus, and
dirt... Scott doesn't have to worry about his wheat allergy is he drinks cervesa. Just remember to put a lime on the rim of that rusty tin can it's served in...
:^)
Davidcarrsmith has given me a tough time trying to figure out what to write. His profile is the same as Voltaire's.
Perhaps they are one and the same...
Anyhow, I sence that this nice dude has been sitting around quietly eating many of Tim's Cookies along with his wife and
that lovely lurking lady named Sunshine. I'm guessing that they will be sitting at the table in the corner, lurking and
watching all the fun that happens this weekend...
:^)
My stock predictions haven't been very good lately. However, I have a good feeling that this prediction that I'm about to
make on Wedneday night June 14th may come true.
I predict that a good deal of time will be speant by JohnnyTechman as he chases some of the available Porch ladies around. Then some of his time will be spent chasing some of the married ladies around...
Then a little more time will be spent chasing the waitresses around.
...and then a little more time spent chasing his brother JimWillie away from all the ones Johnnie falls in love with...
Speaking of JW. I'm guessing that the sexual tension between him and lovely Miss Bonnie is too much to overcome.
These two are Polar opposites. It could act like a Super Magnet. The world may be spinning a little faster this weekend because the are in the same state.
My compass has been pointing to Atlanta all weekend.
They will either have rooms at opposite ends of the resort, or their sexual tension will overcome themselves and they will be seen snuggling together on the porch swing chair.
I have a feeling that Hotleggs is dressed to kill.
I'm hoping that she snags one of these elegible batchelors and shows them what a real woman is like.
It seems like some of these dudes may have been burned badly and need to be shown the light.
:^)
The Spouses, (Bud) Grover T., Trish K., Dawn R., Margaret A., Ria S., Dolores S., Dee M., Kim J., Holly R., Mr. Thomas O., and the lovely Miss Kathleen are probably gatered together at some table or corner. They've been scratching their heads all weekend trying to figure out what is these Porchers find to be so fun...
These friggin' Porchers spend hours infront of a frigging computer all week righting notes to each other and sending them out into cyber space...
Now they travel hundred of miles to meet each other and spend most of the weekend searching for an internet connection so that they can say Hi and converse with each other.
Rosie keeps putting on Italics and repeating half of what polvie says.
Dealie keeps saying stuff and then attempts to edit the words after she's already said them.
Why I'm guessing she keeps walking around the resort saying "DELETE!"
Then "Oops sorry, my last message should have been whispered..."
:^)
As I reread my message I begin to wonder if it will come out with all lowercase letters if Polvie is the one reading it...
And will all the times I wrote the word "With" be pronounced "wif"...
...and does She-X really laugh with little "j's" as in jajajajajajaja.
Something tells me she's the life of the party.
Hopefully He-X (a.k.a. Bud) hid all the lamp shades in the resort. Otherwise, she will probably have everyone wearing
one as the resort begins to play LaBamba.
There will be a train of porchers following each other like a line of railroad cars weaving in and out the tables in the resort restaurant...
Coonzie has probably been a non-stop joke machine.
Watchout for his hand buzzer trick and squirting flower.
Miss ya dude.
PiscatoChip, keep the ladies and reporters from swarming the exulted one.
Volty, I really wish to thank you for this wonderful Porch.
Anyhow it's getting late and I have to get this letter off to Polvie.
If I missed your name, I'm very sorry. Perhaps I didn't have a complete list...
I really wish I could have been with all you fine folks.
It hurts knowing that I'm not.
I love you all.
I think your people are the best that cyberspace has to offer.
I sure look forward to meeting you all someday.
Until then just picture me as a fun loving clown.
Or better yet, take a look at the bar this weekend.
Find the bartender with the biggest smile.
No, actually, look for the bartender who looks like he's been pouring 1/3 of the drinks for himself.
Then picture him with a red rubber nose and floppy clown shoes.
Affectionately, Call him Clappy this weekend.
Leave him big tips.
Volty can leave him stock tips.
Anyhow, have him pour a round of drinks for you and tell him to send me the bill...
Hopefully Polvie will pour an ice cold Budweiser for me and set it on the table.
I'll be there in spirit this weekend.
Polvie, give all the ladies a hug and kiss for me.
(Kath, keep this dude in line.)
Again, I love you all.
-John (Clappy)
CHEERS!
<<Polvie, I don't have the time to proof read and check spelling... Sorry. Make adjustments where needed.
Have a great time.>> |
