I got to thinking about a stretch of time, prior to SJ, where I'd go to the park on Sunday afternoon's to just sit, think, write, or just watch life in whatever form it took. I'd throw a lawn chair in the back seat, grab my pen and whatever Mead 100 pg. college ruled spiral I was using at the time (there are so many of them I don't even bother to number them anymore), get in my car and go. I'd spend three or four hours there and then pack it up and go back to the place I was staying at the time.
When I got together with SJ, my desire to write diminished to the point it was a chore just to take enough time to compose a letter to those of you I would write to occasionally. As you know, if you got a letter from me nowadays, you'd think it was a leap year (laughing, yeah, I know).
Today its raining (about the third weekend in a row that it has rained), and I got to thinking, why not try to write again especially since I used to love to do it so much. I
know many of you have computers and have an internet connection. While you don't care to come to this site for occasional interactivity, why can't I write you and let you know with a link via e-mail. And besides, you know by now, getting me to write an e-mail is about as likely as getting a letter (smiling).
Funny isn't it, how so much of what we observed growing up, we've duplicated to fit our own particular desires never once (at least for me) thinking our parents had proceeded us
in pretty much the same manner. I guess Greg and I are the only two who don't have any offspring. He and Marsh thought at one time she might be pregnant, but it never materialized. Once it was obvious it wasn't going to happen, I didn't inquire further. SJ told me the other night that people would ask her every once in awhile why we didn't have
children. I told her matter-of-factly it was because I didn't want any. She told me I'd make a good father. I would have returned the compliment in kind, but I didn't want to give it any serious discussion. I didn't want to give her the idea that "someday.....maybe". There won't be any "someday" or "maybe" if I have anything to do with it. Mom took care of other people's children all those years. Children were constantly around. I don't care to see
such an aspect duplicated in my own life. Besides, I'm afraid my children will grow up to be like me. (laughing) What a scary thought, huh? Also, with our world being what it is today and so much of Biblical prophesy seeming to come true, I'm reminded of that verse about "woe unto them with children" as far as the end times goes. Its hard enough for the two of us to take care of us. With a child or two, I fear the task would be too much of a strain on both of us. I've always felt that those who cannot afford children should take every precaution to prevent bringing them into being. We can't afford them.
It was a rough week for us both. SJ just doesn't ever seem to have a good week any more. I sure wish I could find a stock and have the confidence to stick with it and make some
money because I would like so much for the stress of her job to be aleviated to the point of not having to work at all. One of my greatest fears is that it will never happen. SJ needs to take a break from working. A very, very long break.
And we were so busy at work. Friday was the only day I didn't work over. Another one of those jobs where the customer needed it the day before they brought it to us. I've about given up on the possibility of ever finding a job I'll ever enjoy doing everyday without the added bonus of stress.
Plus, I was shaken to my very being early in the week with the passing of another. I suppose had there been some expectation, some daily leading to weekly watching of the
slow withdrawal of one's life unto the next step, it might have been better to deal with. But the passing was sudden, and it was a very emotional experience. I don't think even Ed's passing garnered as much emotional outpouring as what overcame me.
Funny (not even a little bit, but only to show the irony of it as it related to me personally), but I didn't know the person nearly as well as I know others did. We had spoken on occasion as fate dictated about a variety of subjects none of which seemed to stand out any more than any other. I liked the person even though our interaction was sparse
compared to others. This person rarely let a negative sentiment pass to another. The person was so kind and giving seemingly regardless of personal circumstance or position. It really tore me up for about a day and a half which is more than I've ever experienced in my entire life (except for the first weekend in May when I thought maybe we were going to have a doggy funeral). I even left work early in the afternoon (something I've never done in all the years of being employed by whoever) because I was really having a difficult time holding it together. I was constantly wondering and worrying if the person died alone, and then thinking about the card I posted to them that same day and knowing they'd never see it expressing how much I wanted them to get well so they would be back amongst us. I suppose even imagining how much they meant to so many, and how their
loss was so much greater with the passing of the person than my own brought me even greater grief feeling sorrow for their own personal loss. It was not a good week.
I suppose it was the suddeness of a passing which brings me to this format on this day. We've gone our own ways, done our own things, had our trials, and yet we're still keeping
on. I don't write much anymore, but I think of you from time to time, and hope you're well. And if there is anything I can do for ya please let me know even if all I can offer is to bend a knee.
I put on The Alan Parsons Project "The Turn Of A friendly Card" and Carly Simon's "Them" for background music.
Let me know how you guys are getting on. Hope you're all well and someday we'll get together for some face to face.
Love ya,
Mike, SJ, and Bear |
