I was struck by the serendipity of this newspaper column. I would not have looked at it but for our recent discussion. I claim absolutely no knowledge about the rearing of children and I offer no opinion to go with the column.
FWIW
Karen
Limit a child's choices
By Betsy Hart
My daughter recently celebrated her fourth birthday,
and holding it "off-campus" meant I ended up taking
five little ones to a busy children's theme restaurant.
When the waiter arrived to begin querying each child
about her lunch preference, I simply informed him,
without consulting the kids myself, that my charges
would each have a grilled cheese sandwich and a
Sprite.
Anyway, the waiter was stunned and thankful - and I
guess it's obvious why. Today, giving children choices
in every conceivable matter seems to be the Holy Grail
of child-rearing. So for me to assert my parental
prerogative and make choices for these children was,
apparently, totally unexpected.
Being a mom of three little ones, I see it all the time
with even the youngest kids. "Sweetie, please pick
something - doesn't a hot dog look good? No? How
about a hamburger?" "It's your choice, but if you don't
learn to swim in class now, you won't be able to visit
Susie's pool this summer." And my all time favorite,
"Well, you can keep fussing if you like - it's your
choice - but if you don't stop I'm going to leave without
you" /"not bring you back"/fill in the blank.
Sure, it's appropriate and necessary as children mature
to let them take on more responsibility, including
making certain choices for themselves within the
purview of their parents' authority. (When allowing a
choice is called for, limiting it to one of two things is
wise.)
But today's culture seems to say that even the youngest
children should be given choices primarily so they can
be personally empowered - not so that they can learn to
make good, sound decisions considering the whole
context for themselves and others. And what a world of
difference there is between the two.
A very wise woman and mom I know once said to me,
"Children do not learn to make good choices by making
choices. They learn to make good choices by having
good choices made for them."
In other words, it's after watching wise decisions be
made on their behalf, and when appropriate having
those decisions explained - not justified - that children
are best equipped to navigate that process themselves.
That means, it seems to me, kids should be allowed to
make choices only within the safe context of parental
authority and only when (but by no means always
when) they have gained the breadth of knowledge they
need to intelligently make the choice at hand.
And just as important, when they can rightly see the
consequences of that choice for others, not just
themselves. So consider something as simple as
ordering in a restaurant. Maybe choosing a hot dog
instead of a grilled cheese is a fine decision for a
certain age child and one she can be allowed to make -
but not if she's one of a group of children who, all
ruminating about their choices, would unnecessarily
inconvenience a busy waiter.
Nor can children possibly understand their own
physical and moral needs well enough to make choices
that affect those areas, though I see them allowed to do
so all the time. Even to the point where they are
allowed to "choose" whether to obey their parents.
But perhaps the biggest problem with constantly
offering a child what seem like even innocuous choices
may be the one so clearly yet unwittingly portrayed on a
television program I saw on child-rearing.
A toddler was chronicled terrorizing his parents about
the issue of bedtime. The "expert" counselor called on
to dispense his wisdom told the distraught parents it
was important to give the little guy choices throughout
the day, but that as bedtime approached they should
begin to limit his decision-making so he wouldn't think
he could make choices about important things like
bedtime, too.
But a child who is given even benign choices all day
long will rebel when that prerogative is suddenly
reined in. Duh.
Those parents should beware. They are training their
child only to exercise his selfish whims, instead of
training him over time to make wise decisions
considering the entire context for both himself and
others, and within his parents' authority.
And if they feel challenged now - just wait until he is
teen-ager.
Betsy Hart writes for Scripps Howard News Service. |
