Lest anyone think that God is simply an armchair general that kills safely from his cloudchair while his foot soldiers risk and lose life and limb and heads...think again:
JOSHUA 10:11
"And the LORD discomfited them before Israel, and slew them with a great slaughter at Gibeon, and chased them along the way that goeth up to Bethhoron, and smote them to Azekah, and unto Makkedah."
Exodus 22:24
"And my wrath shall wax hot, and I will kill you with the sword; and your wives shall be widows, and your children fatherless."
God is definitely a hands on killer.
Nothing written is extant concerning God's adventures on Earth. Most of what we have on God was written by God his own self using the pen (and the hands) of pious men (women were incapable of writing in those days, although one of God's stooges was indeed a woman and fooled God his own self...but that is another story). This makes it impossible to verify the stories that God wrote. Possibly they are self serving. Fortunately, one of the soldiers that experienced most of God's campaigns was an intelligent man, and took the time to write his thoughts down. This manuscript was eventually lost in the conflagration at Alexandria at the Daughter Library in 389 A.D., but the oral tradition has brought the account to yours truly who is of the self same lineage as the author, Sparky.
"God tried the harp for 4 days, and then became exceedingly bored and started to smite again. This was just before he murdered the hosts of the tribe of ___ (no longer passed on)
God had a special move that none of us could duplicate although we tried time and time again, and many of us practiced countless hours with the hope that we could some day master this formidable technique. His move involved a high jump (approximately 6 feet into the air), followed by a series of lightning-like spins while traversing a singular line of travel in a horizontal plain (these spin attacks could go on for as much as 25 or 30 feet). God always wore a sword strapped to his right ankle, and secured by a special harness that was interlaced between the toes and stabilized behind the calf and knee. He had what he called a tungsten sword that was unbelievably heavy. Most of us could scarcely lift it. We had never heard of that medal, but God said that the followers of Mithras manufactured it and that they were a recognized name.
Anyway, whenever God went into his spin routine, he would decapitate sometimes 50 or 60 soldiers in a single leap. I never saw God actually wield a sword in his hand (You know, of course, that he had horns in his hands which made it almost impossible for him to use them due to the pain.) He had a battle cry that froze his enemies as well as his friends.
"I cometh to smite thee, and smite thee I shall;
I am the Lord, and I smote Thee well.
Two thirds of five eights of a ficus tree,
is nothing to me; you shalt go to Hell."
After which they invariably did. God often broke his word in other matters, and he was not afraid to include of it in the bible which he wrote...but seldom did I ever see Him promising a torture or a killin without which he delivereth not the same unto.
Many of us tried to learn God's spin technique. I, myself, used to spend countless hours leaping out of ficus trees (to get the height), and then trying to spin with the sword on my ankle. But it just wouldn't work. Have you ever tried to spin with a heavy sword on your ankle? The most I ever achieved was about a quarter turn, and then I would fell to the ground. I can't say that God was my friend, but I can say that He never killed me. |
