VOLUME 3409843 ISSUE 6 cOUSIN SHORTYS FREE FREE CHICKEN SHEEt UNDERVALUED MAIL TIP SHEET RUMOR NEWSLETTER!!!! © cOUSIN SHORTy (revised and edited and rerevised by Jill)
AHA HA AHAHHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Yo MAMMals are Nut So dum after all ARE yO??????????
Yess you are becuAIUSw I Wriete all the Jokes for My stupid cousN Tastes.
To BE SELBrating this AWARddd WE ar e halffing a little parrrty hear on the Spacecraft and we Haa a SPACIal IntervieW with some of hhte winners. UNLce FRAnk is Snot hear sorry.
cS: SEWw Vendiddt yo are the TA Whiz eh??????
Vendit: Yes, I don’t like to blow my own horn, but yes, I am quite adept at TA, cOUSIN. I know everything almost.
cS: HOW about looking At a fEW charts for the Pebbles, eh?? Here aRE THE TOP 10 holDings of All SI pebbles.
Vendit: You bet! This first one looks bad. See the way it dipped down below that MA on that change in volume? That’s going down to the lower regions of the chart, down to where that little copyright symbol is. Short that one. This next one is pretty good. They have a real nice Receptionist and this chart is printed out on very high quality paper. That’s a good sign. This one will continue to go up, so everyone should buy more.
This third one is hard to read. Wait, it’s upside down. That coffee stain there and all those pencil lines are not good. Looks like TLC was screwing around with this chart. We’ll skip that one; he seems to go his own way. OK, number 4 chart: this one is my favorite. I like this one because it is in color, and Fleckenmeister hates it.
All the rest of these you can make paper airplanes out of because I don’t give all my secrets away. Where’s the fermented malt beverage?
cS: AHA AHAH HAAHAHAHHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 ThankS I am Getting some OPTionsss on that THIrd one some poots or Calls or whatever yo Calll them.
Vendit: Happy to help! I see here that you have a few books on TA yourself, cOUSIN. What do you like?
cS: POINt and FINGer!!!!!!! HTATs my FAVorITE I Lick it because THE charts look Like CHEETOs!!!!!!!!!!
Vendit: Right. Whatever works.
cS: WHAt the Secreeet,Vendid? Yo Can tell Me I will KEEp it to Mysleef. How are Yo so GooD at this TA STUFfing?
Vendit: Voodoo.
cS: VOODOo???
Vendit: Right. Voodoo. The Vendit Voodoo Factor. VVF for short. See, I built a little shrine to Big Al, and every morning, I sacrifice a chicken in front of his picture. I got a good picture of him, it’s the one where he has his hand raised and is swearing he will tell the truth. I got the voodoo idea from Joey Battapaglia, except he does it with veal chops and he eats the veal chops afterwards. I started doing it right before rates went down and it’s been working ever since. The chart stuff is just a blind. It’s the voodoo that really works. I give all the dead chickens to Jill. Heh, heh. Inside joke.
cS: HeUY Jill IS OK she isz Jest Doing Hear Yob. AHA AHA AHHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 I like JOEy B too. He’s the Right size for A MAMMAl. Bigger that SUE HEERRERA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
NEX is JANCie!!!!!!!! JANCie has been UP he”Ar before a Few times and She wins the KILLER Bitch BullDog Prize which iS A Lifetime SUPPLy of Chef BOYArdee POKEY MON PastA and Sauce the Kind all KIDS LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 AND a Case of Really crappy Red wine From New YORk. IS It true that
JANcie: Shut up, you moron. Lolissimo!!
SI Admin Bob: Sorry to butt in here, but the unrestrained use of lolissimo has got to stop. It’s very annoying. It’s not even a real word.
JANcie: Shut up, you moron. Lolissimo!!
SI Admin Bob: Oh. Right. It’s you. Sorry. I’ll go now. Sorry. Where are my lawnmower keys? Anybody seen my lawnmower keys?
cS: HAY BobbY Wait a SECondd what is The deal with the NEW Features on SI?????????????
SI Admin Bob: Shut up, you moron. Lolissimo!!
cS: RigHT!! What’ssssTHAT picure on Yr T-SSSHirt?
SI Admin Bob: That? That’s a drawing I did of Jeff and Brad in heaven. Do you have my lawnmower keys, you freak of nature?
cS: AAHA AHAH AHHA HA HA HA HHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
[message from eeeya, the ship’s main computer: a large spacecraft is attempting to dock with us. The only markings on the outside say “Uncle Frank’s Pleasure Cruise and All-Night Casino All You Can Eat”. What should I do?]
cS: LETTem IN! FRAnk is coooooolness! All his Pebbles are OK and THEY MIGHT hlf some FOOD! LET Them IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
[message from eeeya, the main ship’s computer: understood and will comply.]
SI Admin Bob: Uh, SHORTY, is that what I think that is? Is that a London Taxi with a blown 454 with a well driller on the front and a plow on the back? Is it? I could use that vehicle. How much you want for it? I have some stock options here I’ll trade you.
cS: NAH!!! TAKe it!! Not Flargg will build me another ONE!!! AHA AHAHAHAH HAH AHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
SI Admin Bob: Cool! Forget all the mean things I said about everyone ever in my whole life, I’m happy now. You all can say or do whatever you want! Kool-Aid and popcorn for everyone, on me!
[the crowd goes wild, except for Bald Man From Mars]
cS: EXCEELLEEnt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BALDie come on over hHeeree I have a SPAcial Award for You!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bald Man From Mars: Whatever it is, I doubt if it will help my dudes. My dudes are almost worthless.
cS: RONG Rong Rong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 Wee all chipped in And bought you a ShAre of BRK.A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
AAHA AHA HAHAH AH AHAHAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 Now You Can stop WhinIG!
Bald Man From Mars: Oh no! Look at the spread on that stock! I’m doomed! Doomed, I tell you!
cS: Heree half some Ginger Ale and chill, dood.
Vendit: That BRK.A is going to the moon by June!
Uncle Frank: Greetings! You got room for a mariachi band? Who's that chick dancing on the table?
JANcie: Lolissimo!
SI Admin Bob: Check out that hole I just drilled in the hull, man!
Sid The All Knowing Cat: Edwarda says to say hi and she's fine.
cS: It DONe GEt Any BEETEr that that!!
ThiS IS Yo Fried, cousin SHORTY, saying,
SEE YO aT the TOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 |
