I open myself up to you here, trusting, stepping out in faith, knowing that I place myself at risk, revealing my innermost secrets....
(I know this will make FS rejoice though, so regardless of the outcome, whatever humiliation is heaped upon me, it is a positive act of goodwill)
I OWNED THE BOOK "THE TOTAL WOMAN"
It's true-
I did
In 1977.
I was engaged. I can't remember if I bought it or someone gave it to me at a shower.
But it gets worse- wait-
(Deep shuddering breath)
I READ IT.
NOT ONCE BUT SEVERAL TIMES.
AND (I tremble as I type) I BELIEVED!
I wanted to be the Total Woman.
I GOT A DAYTIMER CALENDAR TO WRITE OUT MY DAILY SCHEDULE, COMPLETE WITH PLAN A AND PLAN B, for when Plan A fails, as all PLan A's do, said Marabel, we must be prepared with Plan B and even Plan C! Nothing must ever upset us. We must never get annoyed or irritable or bitchy.
And while the saran wrap was the most infamous piece of advice she gave, there was a plethora of pithy paradiastoles to apply to oneself in order to become the woman of HIS dreams. (Your dreams? Why- you have none except to be the fulfiller of his)
NEVER let him see you without lipstick or with hair uncombed in the morning. Get up 1/2 hour earlier and put on a sweet little ruffly robe, curl your hair and put on perfume.
Buy a frilly apron. Wear it to serve dinner- only it. You can be either dessert or the appetizer.
Never tell him anything is wrong with him or that he could POSSIBLY be anything but perfect. If something is wrong, it is certainly your fault so shut up about it.
Tell him constantly how wonderful he is and drool when you talk about what you're going to do together that night.
(Maybe that's what the saran wrap was for-- to keep you dry from all that saliva. Dry skin would be a big no-no for Marabel)
Now everyone knows that Martha Stewart is divorced from her lawyer husband, and I read that the author of Simple Abundance is now divorced, too, but does anyone know about Marabel? I read that she took up smoking again in 1990. Who could blame her? Imagine the embarrassment of having everyone you meet picturing you in Saran Wrap.
And yet we women go right on making these How To books bestsellers- How to Make Our Homes Beautiful, Welcoming , Happy, How to make Ourselves Beautiful, Welcoming, and Him Happy. We laugh at the Marabels and Marthas and yet in some way, we try to be them.
And that is my confession.
I will NOT tell you if I wrapped myself in saran wrap however.
But I DO own a frilly apron. |
