Bitterness...I wrestled with this one, but I came to realize it could destroy me, so I set about to conquer it. It was a very conscious struggle and took years.
Writing about that episode is not something I would choose to do, though I'm not adverse to talking about it when the subject seems appropriate. A published article would be horribly humiliating to someone I used to care alot about. I'm sure she would like to never think about the subject again, and would be mortified that such a personal event were made so public. Even this minimally public exposure here would be very offensive, if she were to find out.
Besides there's too much goodness in life and life is too short to remain stuck dwelling in its agony. We all survived and moved on. I took my daughter and her girlfriend to Santa Barbara last weekend. They are planning to rent an apartment there soon and attend City College in the fall! The happy side of life is much more enjoyable.
When I was a small child I remember watching my older brother get swept away in a roaring creek near our home. My parents had a personal hell that far outweighed my former marriage struggles. Our struggles brought my daughter and I much closer together than would otherwise have ever been. I'm thankful for that. I'm sure it has something to do with those midnite and 4AM feedings that I used to do night after night, moments of cherished sanity in an upsidedown world.
When the divorce happened I insisted on an equal 50/50 physical custody. As it worked out, I probably ended up with a 60% share especially during the middle years. Now I look forward to the vicarious enjoyment of the richness and thrills of the post-high school years, and the occasional chance to wax her yet again on the ski hill where she so desparately tries to challenge the old man. In her dreams, and her proud father's eyes, someday maybe, but not soon. |
