I got this by e-mail ... it's a giggler
Debate Transcript ( from an Ohio Newspaper)
For those who don't have time to watch the
presidential debate Wednesday
night, I've prepared this transcript of what will be
said:
Jim Lehrer:
Welcome to the second presidential debate between
Vice President Al Gore
and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed
on these rules: I will
ask a question. The candidate will ignore the
question and deliver rehearsed
remarks designed to appeal to undecided women
voters. The opponent will
then have one minute to respond by trying to
frighten senior citizens into
voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I
will whimper softly
while
he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for
three more minutes.
Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can
you give us the name
of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her
story in a way that
strains the bounds of common sense?
Gore:
As I was saying to Tipper last night after we
tenderly made love the way
we have so often during the 30 years of our
rock-solid marriage, the
downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My
opponent wants to
cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I,
on the other hand, want
to put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox
so they can't hurt old
people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here
tonight. Mrs.
Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs,
one by one, to pay for
gas so that
she can travel to these debates and personify
problems for me. Also, her
poodle has arthritis.
Lehrer:
Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
Bush:
Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging
people, crying with
them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo
opportunity exists. I want to
empower those crying people to make their own
decisions, unlike my
opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.
Lehrer:
Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if
Slobodan Milosevic were to
launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would
you be able to
pronounce his name?
Bush:
The current administration had eight years to deal
with that guy and
didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing
I would do about that
guy is have Dick
Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would
present me several
options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick
would tell me which one
to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to
make tough foreign
policy decisions every day about how we're going to
deal with New Mexico.
Lehrer:
Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
Gore:
Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly
interested in. I
served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was
a victim of poison gas
in
World War I. I myself lost a leg in the
Franco-Prussian War. And when that
war was over, I came
home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that
any undecided woman
voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted with
the office of president, I
pledge to deal
knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic,
by putting it in an
ironclad lockbox. Because the American people
deserve a president who can
comfort them with simple metaphors.
Lehrer:
Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social
Security system?
Gore:
It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman
and I have proposed
changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give
$50,000 to every
senior citizen without having it cost the federal
treasury a single penny
until
the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60
trillion over the next 10
years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have
drugs delivered free
to their homes every Monday by a federal employee
who will
also help them with the child-proof cap.
Lehrer:
Gov. Bush?
Bush:
That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of
Texas, I have to do
math every day. I have to add up the numbers and
decide whether I'm going to
fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or
commit funds to reroof the
sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.
Lehrer:
It's time for closing statements.
Gore:
I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting
politician, but I will
fight for the working families of America, in
addition to turning the White
House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper
and me.
Bush:
It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past
by electing no one
but Republicans.
Lehrer:
Good night. |
