Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked
back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a
brew down below. As much
as we try to convince ourselves, the work poop is
inevitable. For those of
you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I
give you the 2000 survival
guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these
Vocabulary words and their
definitions and pooping at work will become less
intimidating and more of
a pleasure!
1. Escapee: A fart that slips out while taking
a leak at the
urinal or forcing poop in a stall. A sudden wave of
panic / embarrassment
usually accompanies this. This is similar to the
hot flash you receive when
passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you
release an escapee, do
not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If
you are standing next to
the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not
hear it. No one likes an
escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing
makes both parties feel uneasy.
2. Jailbreak: (Used in conjunction with
Escapee) When forcing
poop, several farts slip out at a "machine gun's"
pace. This is usually a
side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen do not panic,
remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom so to spare
everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
3. Courtesy Flush: The act of flushing the
toilet the instant
the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and
the poop is whisked away
to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount
of airtime the poop has
to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid
being caught doing the
"walk of shame." see below
4. Walk of Shame: Walking from the stall, to
the sink, to the
door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom.
This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts
you. As with farts, it
is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
Can be avoided with the
use of a courtesy flush.
5. Out of the Closet Pooper: A colleague who
poops at work and
is damn proud of it. You will often see an out of
the closet pooper enter
the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under
their arm. Always look
around the office for the out of the closet pooper
before entering the
bathroom.
6. The Pooping Friends Network (PFN): A group
of coworkers who
band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off
without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
out of the closet poopers
and to identify safe havens.
7. Safe Haven: A seldom used bathroom
somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try
floors that are
predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce
the odds of a pooper of
your sex entering the bathroom.
8. Turd Burglar: Definition: A pooper who does
not realize
that you are in the stall and tries to force the
door open. This is one of
the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
occur when taking a dump at
work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the
turd burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye
contact.
9. Camo-cough: A phony cough which alerts all
new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can
be used to cover-up a
"watermelon" or to alert potential turd burglars.
Very effective when used
in conjunction with an "Astaire."
10. Astaire: A subtle toe-tap that is used to
alert potential
turd burglars that you are occupying a stall. This
will remove all doubt
that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire,
leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
11. Watermelon: A turd that creates a loud
splash when hitting
the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing
incident. If you feel a
watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See
"Camo-cough."
12. Havana Omelet: A load of diarrhea that
creates a series of
loud splashes in the toilet water. Often
using a "Camo-cough" with an "Astaire."
13. Uncle Ted: A bathroom user who seems to
linger around
forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in
front of the mirror or
sitting on the pot. An "uncle Ted" makes it
difficult to relax while on
the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your
load when the bathroom
is empty. This benefits you as well as the other
bath-room attendees.
14. Fly By: The act of scouting out a bathroom
before pooping.
Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are
others in the bathroom,
leave and come back again. Be careful not to
become a "frequent flyer."
People may become suspicious if they catch you
bathroom. |
